Today's virtual learning experience began with normal attendance at 8:40. I was eating my breakfast and sipping my coffee when I started to hear the Teacher ask the kids how their weekend was.
I freaked.
An imaginary scenario filled my head:
Teacher: How was your weekend Ellie?
My daughter: It was great. We went to a winery with our best friends. The Moms and Dad drank wine while we played with fences that electrocute you. Oh, and my Mom got stung by a bee four times in her mouth. It was really really fun.
Teacher: Oh? That sounds like a wonderful weekend, she says as she starts to email and phone the Principle, Board of Education and child services.
Luckily, this did not happen --- the Teacher, I mean, asking my Daughter how her weekend was. LIES I would have screamed in the background with no shirt on!
The truth is we did goto a winery on Saturday. It was fabulous. The Kids were playing and having fun and the Parents were enjoying some cider and wine, responsibly, in the super hot sun with 0 shade and 983 bees flying around us.
My Wife is amazing in so many ways to list. But 2 things that really stand out, is her super loud laughing at comedy shows (i blogged about this a few years back) and her super theatrics if/when a bee approaches her. The latter was on full display this weekend as the entire orchard / winery's bees laid home to our little picnic spot.
My Wife's fear of bees is a mixture of pure comedy and pure horror. Your not sure if your watching a real-life Jordan Peele movie happening or if this Woman is just trying to get people to laugh. You would think that bees carry COVID-19 the way she reacts when these little guys approach her.
But something quite extraordinary happened on Saturday. In between laughing and sipping wine, a bee somehow got into my Wife's mouth and stung her inside lip.. 4 times.
Now, let me just say for the record, I am not scared of bees at all. Shit, I probably would eat one if someone challenged me. But if a bee went in my mouth and stung me, I would be running around like my Wife when she sees a bee coming near her. In other words, I would have lost my shit.
After spitting out the bee - legit spitting it out of her mouth - she very calmly goes "I think I got stung in my mouth". Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! I look at her inside lip and see 4 bumps - one getting bigger. In this moment, I think of 2 things: 1) my Wife will turn ino The Fly or 2) will now have better lips than Kendell Jenner. Seconds later, I realize that she is as cool as a bee stinging a human's mouth. How is she not losing her mind? Its then I start to think that maybe the venom has already turned her. She will be Khaleesi of the bee world and start flying the friendly skies riding the backs of thousands of bees as wings start to grow out of her shoulders and a stinger starts to pop up out of her butt. Snap out of it, I tell myself and be a good husband and do something. So I do.
"Ummm. Does it hurt? Are you ok?" What does one say to someone who just got stung in the mouth by a bee?! We put ice on it. She continues to drink. Ok. I guess we are good? My Best Husband of the Year Award slowly evaporates.
After hours of scorching sun beating on us with no sunscreen, we decide to pack our shit and head to dinner near our home. The Wife's lip is a little swollen but she is breathing fine and seems more concerned that we may miss our dinner reservations instead of the fact that she got stung by a bee, in her mouth, 4 times. I mind speak to myself "Holy Shit. Is she gonna turn into Jeff Goldblum from the Fly. I cant live with myself. Do I need to call an exterminator on her? What if the bee planted babies in her? Will I be a baby bee Daddy? I cant live with this pressure" until one of the Children comes over and breaks the mood.
"That fence over this is really fun to play on. You get like an electricution when you touch it. Its so much fun.", says one of the Children to the Parents as they point to the location where they have been playing for the last 4 hours.
There is one of those wood stable fences that surrounds us. It has been there the entire time.. meaning nobody just built this. It was not just erected as we were drinking wine and ignoring our children while tending to mouth bee stings. I look around and sure enough every 40 feet or so is a sign on the fence that states in BIG letters "DANGER. ELECTRIC FENCE" with a picture of some dude getting electrocuted. O. M. G.
"What do you mean you got electricution?"
"We got like this light punch feeling when we touched it" all the children start giggling as if they are preparing for a Tough Mudder.
The Parents look at each other and pack up and never bring it up again. My Best Dad of the Year Award joins my Best Husband of the Year award in award hell. Boooooo
So far my Wife has not turned into 'The Bee' yet. And our Teachers have not asked our Children how their weekend went. But they do seem to be interested in 2021 Tough Mudder schedule. Weird. Pray for us.
Godspeed
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