On Day 122 of "unofficial" quarantine, I had a bit of a strange encounter with a bug that looked like something from JRR Tolkein's Middle Earth. This thing looked like a dragon fly but had similar qualities of a wasp. Perhaps even had some wizardry to it and can cast Coronavirus spells. The scariest part is this bastard would not back down from me.
Back up a few days before, I was heading out to do my daily early morning walk when I noticed something on the ground by the door in my house. At first, I thought someone had snuck some Coronavirus underneath my door like an old mob boss - Tony has a message. Perhaps one of the kid's Teachers got a hold of my blog and noticed my intense nonstop praying for them to get back to work when unbeknownst to us they do not want to get back to work and now they must. Foolish me.
But there it was, this black looking giant piece of furball just sitting there. As I approached, I quickly realized that this thing was not some giant furball but instead a straight up Coronavirus bug mutation. It was laying on its giant back with its giant legs and underside exposed. It looked like if Jeff Goldblum character from the Fly decided to do snow angels on my wooden foyer floor. I gasped when I looked closer.
This thing was straight out of a horror movie. It measured like 2 inches (ok maybe like an inch and half), was all black and had these strange white stripes going through it. Looked like some sorta demon bee that was sent to my home to stop me from writing shitty blogs. Nice try demon bee. Nice try.
Obviously, the thing was dead and like the bad ass I am, I grabbed it by its wings to examine. Goosebumps from fear ran down my body. (Side note: I had recently trimmed my beard. And with that trim, I also trimmed my manliness. I am not tough, but my soul still believes it is.) This demon bee was new to me. I have never seen anything like it. It was as big as a Carpenter Bee but was all black with white stripes. What the hell is this?
I took my phone out and googled "How to identify a bug" and immediately found an app. God Bless you 2020-technology-during-pandemic. The app was free. Free as in free trial for 7 days and then 20 bucks for the year. How is this free? Anyways, I downloaded it (cancelled that ish immediately after) and snapped a pic of my demon friend. Immediately, up popped my bug with a name:
Demon Bee
No. But that would have been awesome.
Tiger Bee Fly
Whoa. This thing is a real thing. Luckily, they do not eat small babies as I had originally thought. Instead they eat Carpenter Bees which makes sense because both are huge. Apparently, they are safe and actually good to have around to kill nuisance bees from eating your wood. mmhmm. I pray to the insect Gods to keep this thing away from my family.
Here is what this fker looks like:
And to think this thing was in our house!!!!!!
I placed this Demon Bee on the side of our outside stairs which would later result in horror screams from my kids upon witnessing. A Grinch smile would occur on my face unknowingly :-)
Besides this Demon Bee now assaulting my dreams, I have another bee dilemma: hornets eating my outside patio. WTF is going on!? Did the Coronavirus send Mother Nature into a frenzy? Hornets are straight up eating my wood. I should go to their house and steal whatever it is they eat -- oh wait, it’s my wood. Because of this, we have not been able to eat outside on our patio. Or, perhaps Mother Nature sent this Demon Bee to eat those wood eating hornets. Instead it got trapped in my home. I guess my kids as an appetizer were out of the question. Insects 1 - Danny 0
Now back to this morning and my day 122 "unofficial" quarantine adventures...
As I made my way outside and started to walk down my outside stairs, I saw what looked like a booby trap straight from Predator. It was a long web string that would have slit my neck had I not seen it glistening in the sun. Following the string revealed a GIANT spider in the middle of a GIANT web that hung so beautifully over my Wife's car in our driveway. The web was connected to this 1 piece of string and another string all the way up a tree. Without any hesitation I removed that piece of string and watched its web slowly fold over him. What a dummy. At least have a backup plan giant spider. Then I watched him gather up his web and slide up into the tree. It was like as if he was just packing up his suitcase and making his way to his new home. It was beautiful yet scary af to see this GIANT spider just move about. Was he looking for the GIANT Demon Bee as food? Was he coming to kill my family because the Demon Bee died in our house? Shit.
My morning was already tarnished, and I already had the heeby jeebies when suddenly, out of nowhere, I looked down to see this GIANT dragon looking thing on my leg about 5 minutes into my walk.
I freaked. I did that thing that people do when a spider or bug is on them.
I jumped all around and danced flying my hands all over my legs while making wimpy noises. The Dragon Demon Bug moved very slightly off my leg and then back on! I lost my shit. Again, jumping around and swinging my body like I was those blowup things you see outside of stores. It did not leave my leg! Finally, after swatting the shit out of it, it fled. I had to stop and move to the side of the road and take some breathes. WTF was that!? Was that the Demon Bees cousin who heard that Francis the Demon Bee got whacked in my home and now this is payback? Was it the GIANT spiders doing who put a hit out on me after making him homeless?
I still have no clue what that insect was. Now as I type this, I think what if it layed Demon eggs in me. OMG. With this and Coronavirus I am now in panic mode.
But it’s not just insects that have me questioning the afterlife. It’s also birds. Lately I have been seeing a lot of birds just dead on the road. Are people making deals with the Devil and sacrificing birds to keep Coronavirus away? I even saw one with its head off. A bird’s head just does not fall off unless its Petie from Dumb and Dumber. What the shit is going on?!
Am I the only one witnessing these strange phenemenons? Please comment up.
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