Today the Kids had a substitute teacher. It was me...

Principle Bart, who usually sits upstairs in his office all day and only comes downstairs to eat and/or to yell when the Teacher aka Mrs Bart has lost her mind and tremors can be felt on the Principle’s Office floor, decided to give Mrs Bart a break and substitute for her class.  It was the most torturous 5hrs of my life. 

I am pretty sure Yelling was the main class today. If Yelling was a subject, both Children would get A++++.  I would certainly get Sub of the Year award if teachers were graded on their Yelling abilities. It didnt stop. My throat hurts. 

How the hell did you get 37 by adding 5+6??  What part of the assignment tells you to draw a picture? Why are you crying again?  Why are you asking Siri how to spell cactuses? Why do you even need to know how to spell cactuses??  Why are you now on Zoom? What happened to schoolwork?  Who the f*&k is texting you?  Why the hell is messenger activated on your iPad? I thought I turned that off? Why does Schoology only work sometimes with an iPad? Why are you asking me to use my phone Kevin for a hotspot? 

Moaning and hunger pains can be heard in between yelling..

Most of the day was sitting with my Kindergartner because she can only read Kindergarten words like Dad, is, not, a, good, teacher. Every 7 second the Older Child has to keep showing me stuff. Look Dad. How cool right? WHY ARE YOU NOW ON YOUTUBE AND NOT DOING MATH, I yell. 

There was a sorting assignment the younger Child had to do. I swear I almost told her to go sort out dark liquor, clear liquor and Beer downstairs in the Bart Cave and bring them upstairs. Then count them all and see how long it takes for them to be all empty. Mrs Bart can play along too. It will be fun!

The day ended with the younger Child having to draw a picture of her favorite things to do at the beach. I thought What an asshole assignment to give. Draw something that we will not be able to go to (comfortably) anymore. Why not draw pictures of our favorite movie theatre experiences or bowling alleys as well!  Shit, we can draw how fun it is to eat Applebees at home. Or why not draw the jumpy house that we used to go and how amazing it was. I am sure a picture of school classrooms is next!

I was going to make her draw a picture of us in a 10x10 circle of us playing in the sand. Instead we got all Bartsy and decided to make this:

The dude with the dreads and hairy face is apparently me. She is burying me in the sand. Just like in real life after screaming all day - bury the hairy Rastaman who sucks at teaching but is amazing at Yelling. Or she can be giving me loose change as she thinks I’m a hobo. She forgot to add a sign that says “I used to be a successful Project Manager. Then I started homeschooling” I realize that this is the first depiction of me with a beard by one of my Kids. I look like someone that Mom, the one in the fancy bathing suit with the boobs, should be screaming to the kids to get away from. Oh wait, Mom has a drink next to her. Who allowed this! 

That brown “sand” is actually brown sugar that both kids started eating and got extremely crazy forcing me to shut down school officially for the day, pack up and head outside to my driveway gym. 

1 more week of school. Yeah! Oh wait, summer camps are still closed. This means the kids will be in the house complaining they are bored all day long for 2 months.  FFFFFFFFFKKKKKK

Godspeed