My Kids and Men in Speedos

Today I slept in. It was wonderful. Sleeping in used to be waking at 1pm prior to kids, usually hungover and not getting out of bed until 4. With Kids, sleeping in is later than 8 but earlier than 10. I woke at 9:30. It was glorious. 

As I was making my way downstairs the Kids were giggling in their giant forts they had decided to make turning the couch into an inhabitable piece of furniture that used to be designed to be sit on. I catch my Wife looking at me; giving me the did-you-have-a-nice-sleep look. She had already cleaned the Kitchen, made breakfast, did a workout, went for a walk and somehow still looks pretty. Meanwhile I come in looking like a Grateful Dead homeless groupie with my mountain Amish beard and hobo hair. I take up a spot on top of the fort which looks like somewhere hobos sleep. All I need is a sign that says “I was a Teacher for 2 months. Now I drink. Please give me money for Beer”

Giggling started. 

The Children were saying something when I sashayed in the room prior to me landing on my Hobo fort but I was too busy thinking if my Wife thinks I am Greg Focker “sleeping in”. I was not listened.

“Daddy, we changed the diving show because the men were naked and touching their private parts”

“Whaaaaaa?” I say confused yet somehow gratified and confident as a Dad that my Children will stay away from naked men touching their pps until they are least 22. 

“Remember that diving show we were watching last night. Today there were boys and they were touching their pps”

I immediately panic. Did the Older Child figure out how to get into Mommy’s phone and look at the “NASA videos” she has been watching over the last few days and stream it to the TV?  Are my Kids testing me to see if I would be interested in naked men!? Is this my Wife’s doing!

I look at my Wife who just got done dusting the walls.  

WTF is going on? I mind speak to her. 

I dont know. I just got back from my walk. How are you so handsome when you wake up? 

I make up that last part in my mind. Something about a beard and how Grateful Dead is calling. I dont know. I was too busy thinking if somehow the Kids got access to my Wife’s mind. The Older Child can probably figure out how to stream thoughts from her head to the TV. She is ultra techy these days. 

The Older Child then shows me. She goes to the Olympic Channel on our YouTube+ - that i pay 50 bux a month for so we can watch live nake men touch their pps apparently - and shows me. 2 bronzed muscled men are standing in Speedos preparing to do a synchronized dive. The man on the left “adjusts” his Speedo as he should as its a thin line of string covering his pp for the world and my Kids to see. The one on the right follows. Did Speedos get smaller?! The Children crack up and close their eyes.

They closed their eyes.  I win as a Father. 

Until the Younger Child starts to get mad when the Older Child goes to change it. Loud objections fill the room. I realize its coming from my Wife. I kinda agree with her. Look at those abs! 

Some Disney show comes on to replace naked men wearing Speedos and i come here to blog as my Wife is making another round of breakfast and yelling at the kids. 

How did those men get such great oblique muscles? Google  how to look good in a Speedo. 

Godspeed