Driving home from a ruck hike, my beard and I got stuck and eventually became part of a Birthday Party Drive-by procession. I have officially seen it all.
I was trying to go straight at a 4 way stop sign. The same 4 way stop signs that nobody knows who is supposed to go and when. There was a shit ton of cars that just kept turning in front of me not following any 4 way stop rules or common courtesies. Then I realized that all these mini vans and SUVs had one thing in common: they all had signs and balloons coming from in and out of the cars. I thought who the F gives these people the right to just not obey traffic laws so they can wish little Tommy with Happy Birthday songs being played by stupid random car horns and beeps.
So there I am driving 5mph at the backend of the bday stampede. These Moms were on a mission pulling over for each other and making sure the parade does not get broken. All smiling with their hazards on and weaving in out of the road. And there I am, the lonely man with a bad beard patiently waiting at the end of the line just trying to get home. What happened to 2 months ago when not a car was on the road.
I mind yell to the Mom in the copperhead pearl color Town and Country, who stopped traffic so the Mom in the western brown Rav-4 that was pulled over waiting for the Ford Explorer in ultimate green, can let there friends and their mini vans into the parade. I didn’t even realize what was happening until suddenly there are more than a dozen of ermine white and construction yellow and black gold mini vans and suvs with crazy balloons and signs all around me. Then it happens. One by one the cars start to go through stop signs without stopping. Are Birthday processions the new funeral procession? WTF is going on. Its then I put my hazards on and join the party.
F it. I am not going to get home any other way as we stroll down the main avenue going 5mph. Somehow I make my way to the middle of the pack. I wave to the Mom in the estoril blue BMW X5. I think she smiles back but I can not tell because she is wearing a mask. I want to yell, COVID-19 CANNOT COME INTO YOUR CAR WHILE DRIVING. YOU DONT NEED TO DRIVE WITH A MASK ON! But I dont. Oh no, I think. Where is the true blue Honda Oddessy that was behind me. Should I pull over?
Then it happens. The cars slow down and move to the side of the road. I follow excitingly. Lots of beeps and horns start. So do I. Then I see it. A little boy and girl, looks like twins, standing with their Mom and Dad and some family members doing that goofy smile wave thing that is pretty much the picture of these type of events. I slowly approach and start beeping and waving. The parents look at me confused but I just continue. Happy Birthday Emily and Connor, I say excitingly out my window. The kids look at me strangely.
The prairie pearl coat Toyota Siena leading the pack makes a u-turn in the middle of the street stopping all traffic around. I am impressed. These Birthday Moms dont give a shit about traffic laws. Emily and Connor are more important. All non Birthday parade cars seem to obey and stop letting the soccer mom parade go through. Is this real life? I realize that I am about to make a u-turn as well when I snap out of it. WTF am i doing, I think. I gotta get home. And with that I wave bye to my fellow Moms in the rear window. I am pretty sure the Chrysler Pacific in granite crystal started beeping at me to turn back around confused.
Welcome to the new norm.
Godspeed
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