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What a superbowl party is really like

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This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared...
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Quarantine Day 55: Birthdays and homeschooling

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This week we had two major milestones in Quarantine Life.

First major milestone, Monday was my daughters birthday. She turned 8. In Quarantine Life, she is now 22. In Puzzle World, she is 3 months old.

Last year, we had a wonderful American Girl doll day in NYC.  It was one of the most male challenging days of my life as I held an umbrella over my kids heads as they pushed their doll strollers down NYC streets in the rain. Then was forced to be surrounded by hundreds of girls and their Moms gushing over hundreds of dolls and accessories in the American Girl store; followed by a lunch with, you guessed it, my kids dolls.  Lovely day. This year we had some people drive by in a car wearing masks, beeping their horns and wishing love to the new 8 year old.  Man, times have changed.

 All through the week, masked bearded men came out of unmarked vans to deliver birthday packages to my daughter. 30 years ago, these same masked bearded men in unmarked vans were considered predators and stereotypically abducting our children. Now they are heroes.




The second major milestone in Quarantine Life was actually one of my Daughters Birthday presents she received. It was from our Governor who announced on her Birthday morning that all NJ schools will remain closed and Parents / Teachers will continue to homeschool for the remainder of the school year.  Seriously, what a Birthday present. Thanks for that! This sooooo beats eating lunch with a doll in NYC. 

 It was also Teacher Appreciation Week and not one person had the decency to send my Wife and I (more my wife) an appreciation letter for teaching the shit out of these kids. I am offended by this.  Nevertheless, we did celebrate our Kids “real” Teachers with some Thank You signs and videos.  I wanted to slip in “HOW THE F**& DO YOU DO THIS EVERYDAY AND NOT BECOME AN ALCOHOLIC” but I refrained.  My Wife mind speaks to me “dont be an asshole. Shave your beard” But I believe I heard “God, your handsome!  Keep growing that art of manliness”

Speaking of beard, I am now officially 60 days in. It looks like a giant thick chin strap — but its still a beard! If you were to rank life moments, this would be in my top 5. I have a beard!  To celebrate my newfound manliness, I have been subscribing to beard YouTube channels and learning of the Beard ways. I have been googling “cool haircuts with beards” and “what clothes to wear with a beard” and most importantly “how to eat and drink with a beard and not get food and shit stuck in it”.  The latter is the most important. I have also named my beard. Yes.  His name is Kip.  Kip and I are now one.  I love Kip. 

 And finally, Today I had to goto the Bank. This required me to wear a mask. The immediate thought was to go in and yell “STICK EM UP!” But then I thought that was sooooo cliche. ‘Like O...M..G...whoooo hasn’t thought of that already’, I say in my American Girl Doll voice. The representative I sat with put up a makeshift shield between he and I. I felt offended. Maybe I should protest this discriminatory behavior and sue the Bank. Then I can get all the money I need without yelling “STICK EM UP” in a bank wearing a mask and potentially go to the jail for life.  Then I can hire a live-in teacher to live with us forever.  SWEET! What do you think Kip? 

 Godspeed

   

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