We certainly did not flatten the curve this week in the Bart Classroom. The kids were still whining and fussing and whining and panting and stomping and hissing and yelling every chance they can. Oh wait. That was my Wife and I.
The older Child had Spanish class again today. This time Santiago, the imaginary dreamy Spanish drink of water that I named who speaks on my kids app, was missing. Today was her actual teacher. I immediately envisioned Salma Hayek.
My Wife mind speaks to me “Knock that shit off!”.
“Sí, mi vida. Mi preciosa rosa Tú eres mi apoyo” I have to google this before i can mind speak it back to her but I’m too late. She’s just pissed cause Santiago was replaced with Salma.
Today’s lesson is learning definite article “The” in Spanish and immediately come up with something clever to teach her the ways of the force or La Fuerza.
“Ava, you see this sheet of paper? In Spanish, this can be a boy or girl”, I say to her trying to make her understand that unlike English, objects have genders and little pps and girl pps. She giggles.
“This coffee is a boy, which means El goes in front. El Café. The cup is a girl, which means La goes in front. La Taza. When El Cafe goes into La Taza it becomes Lo maravilloso!.” What an awesome way to teach kids the birds and the bees. Or Los pájaros y las abejas.
She just looks at me as my Wife glares. Lately she’s been giving me these looks like she’s not so sure about me anymore. I am 100% sure it has to do with this growth aka beard on my face. It grows like wildflower. It looks like a bunch of spiders on my face not sure where to go. If they were to redo the movie The Burbs (second reference this week ;-)) they would cast me as the brother next door. The one with the terrible beard.
When I try to kiss her, she blocks her face as if there is Coronavirus all over my lips and mouth. I swear I thought I heard her scream in the middle of the night in bed when I turned my body to face her, slightly touched her face with mine. I reassure myself by saying that Salma Hayek probably likes Men who can’t grow a beard like Amanda Beard. Aye Caramba.
To make matters worse, I bought a 12 pack of bandanas this morning because why not. If I cant find the proper mask to wear then I will make my own. Better than nothing, i reassure myself. Until they come I will be wearing my Spider-Man costume mask when I step outside. “They said wear a mask”, I will tell people as they stare at me and walk far away thinking I have a new strain of COV that impacts the brain. My Wife will be following them.
When the bandanas do arrive, the Bart Classroom will become “Gangsta’s Paradise”. I will become the Stand and Delivery teacher guy as my kids will be wearing their red and blue bandanas fighting over their turf. Soon I will start to walk the halls with a bat as Coolio plays on my speakers all day long.
And when it comes to playing “Cops and Robbers”, the walkie talkies will be replaced with bandanas.
“Ey bato que se esta encendiendo?” I will say as I slowly limp by the Reds aka my police daughters. “Back off bitch ass Gringo” they say as they cuff me and take my bandanas and Purel. Then sell them on the black market for a profit.
Ava steals 3 bandanas from Daddy. Ellie steals 4. Each bandana is worth $5 after the CDC announces “Well maybe bandanas might work somewhat”. How much money can they get to leave Home for good?
If Rose spends 3hrs a day listening to Santiago teach her Spanish, how many days will it take for her to leave her “beard” husband for Santiago?
I really need to get out of the house.
Godspeed.
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