So around 2pm today, Mr and Mrs Bart looked through the curriculum and realized a research paper on someone important is due tomorrow.
“WTF is this?” I mind talk to Rose
“Holy Shit. I dont know” I can see her quivering a little bit.
“How did you not see this?” I realize I’m starting a mind fight with her.
She smiles and mind speaks “I love you so much”. Clearly she didnt understand my telepathic message as we both see the assignment was handed out this past Monday. Its now Thursday.
The older Child asks what a research paper is. I start to have visions of grammar school and my 30 reports on Bigfoot and the Jersey Devil and how much I hated every second of every millisecond of anything requiring any type of research required to deliver this assignment. Sitting sessions in the Public Library with Encyclopedias scattered about on the long wooden tables being told to shhhhh by the Librarian as I huff and puff.
“Oh, its a really really fun way to learn about special people!” I try to sound uber excited about this assignment yet I have not a clue of what to do and where to start because its the Teachers responsibility aka my Wife and I to teach the Child on how to write research papers.
The Child begins to sigh. In my mind, I get it. I understand and I totally feel her pain. But I am a better Dad than I am Teacher and immediately snap out of it and say forcefully “Stop the sighing and lets go!” I feel somewhat of an exuberant rush as she listens to me and seems to be aware that Daddy, not the Teacher, means business.
“I cant believe we are doing this now” I mind talk to my Wife as I am clearly not ready for this type of assignment. Had Ive heard about this on Monday, I could have figured out a better game plan. I mean really.. what Teacher gives a research paper assignment the night before its due!! Mrs Bart is totally going to get reprimanded for this.
“You are my favorite person in the whole world. How did you become so dam awesome at life?” Rose mind speaks back to me.
Sighh..
We decided to do our research paper on Walt Disney; a place where we will never ever go again because we will not be allowed out of the house. The assignment states to write important facts, basic information like birthday and place of birth, famous achievements, famous quotes.
Did you know that Walt Disney has 3 brothers and a sister, was born in Chicago but moved to a farm in Missouri as a small child and worked on a train at the age of 16?
For the next hour, it sounded like the end of Witches of Eastwick. There was yelling and chants and things being thrown. It was bad. “No you cant Google stuff”, can be heard from the outside and “Why are you writing that! Who cares if Disney walked to school as a Kid. Everyone did. EVEN IN SNOW!”
Yet somehow the Child put it together and got shit done. Only now we have to put in a PowerPoint slide deck. What happened to hand written reports?
Did you know that Walt Disney has 22 Academy Awards and is the voice of Mickey Mouse?
And as the Older child was working on her paper, the kids report cards came. Sweet! All 3s and 4s, which I have no idea what that means. Is that As and Bs. As and A+s. Is this similar to college grades with out the .5s Who created this grading system. What a happened to A, B, C, D and F? Was there an ever an E grade? Its funny because are we Parents now responsible for grading our Kids. Do Teachers get to grade us and give us reports cards too? Its safe to say my kids 3s and 4s will go to straight 1s - I believe this is an F in the #HeyBoomer world.
Did you know that Walt Disney played Peter Pan in a school play - how ironic? What’s ironic you ask?
Lastly, our Teachers did a little drive by parade because this is the new norm now. I had plans to make it but got caught up in work meetings that is not relating to Teaching — that other thing I need to do during the day. But I can see their smiling faces saying “Hahaha parents. Remember all that shit you said about Teachers and how we are no good and have no respect, well F you and enjoy teaching your kids! Good luck with that!!!” Tears of joy, not sadness fill the Teachers eyes as they drive past knowing they finally got to stick it to the parents!
I asked my Wife if she can kindly and politely kidnap a Teacher. Maybe bribe her with Clorox wipes and/or toilet paper, but she refused. Tonight I will break the news to her Principle Bart will be relieving her of her duties immediately.
“I am sorry Mrs Bart but you just dont seem to be making the cut as a Teacher” I mind speak to her.
“Oh Honey. I love you so much too. You really are my rock. God dam you are sooo handsome and amazing at everything you do. Why are you so perfect”. Clearly she didn't get the message.
Did you know that Walt Disney did not graduate High School? But dont tell your Children this.. well maybe we should. Then we can stop this homeschooling gig once and for all!!
Godspeed.
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