The Apocalypse: April Fools

Today we woke with wonderful news: The Coronavirus has a cure. People can do that thing they used to do daily called Life. 

One by one, people slowly came out of their homes looking like sleepy caveman with shaggy beards, man buns, bushy eyebrows and ripped clothes. They smile at one another revealing black spots that paint their teeth from too much coffee and no dental cleaning.  Suddenly, the hugs start. Human beings begin to embrace one another. The combination of bad hygiene, bed bug carcass leftover debris on clothing and 7 week old pizza shavings in beards forms the perfect storm.  The Pabst Blue Ribbon virus also known as PBRV-420

It starts a week later. An Ohio man in his 20s shaves his beard. 6hrs later he is in a hospital with breathing problems, fever and chills. The man’s name is kept annoymous to protect he and his family. 

Then around the world in Australia, a young mate in his 30s comes down with similar symptoms. He too had just shaved his beard and hours later began having difficulty breathing. 

Over the next 3 days, 6000 cases around the globe are reported.  It starts to be called the PBR virus named after the hipster movement of the early 2010s. Its highly contagious. Men of all kinds are being rushed to emergency rooms. It appears the remnants of late stage hipster have settled deep into the body. And by removing these remnants such as man buns and beards, it causes a chain reaction with the tiny invisible dead skin and bedridden hair and bugs that have taken over the outside air. Apparently months of quarantining and homeschooling and wearing tight skinny sweatpants and jeans caused blood restrictions limited oxygen to some cells. These cells began to produce on their own resulting in the body to have the need for long hair, preferably man buns, ascots, really tight pants and of course a beard. All men who have quarantined for longer than 4 weeks and did not shave for at least a week are at risk. 

It starts to take over the World. Soon, half the men population are fighting for their lives as their body tries to continue to grow facial hair and have a sudden need to eat chia seeds and wear flannel clothing made from Hemp. The only cure is to let nature take its course which typically takes about 2 weeks. If you resist and shave your face, you die. 

Within 2 months, almost all men between the ages of 25 and 50 have PBRV-420. Families are torn apart as women have no interest in Men who wear tighter pants than them. 

On the other hand, women cut their hair short, begin to wear well covered and well fit clothing and throw away their makeup. Even their voices tend to sound a little deeper. Women start to leave their spouses, boyfriends, children, significant others and begin a world of Femininity.  Babies are no longer born; they are made in a lab. Kids grow up with 2 moms. All corporations and businesses shift their operations and models to have Women as the primary gender in their work force.  Women take over the world. 

Meanwhile, men walk around the streets like Zombies wearing open flannel shirts with castle t-shirts under, black framed oversized glasses, a hat with the cap flipped up, a Hydroflask filled with Kombucha and peppermint, and tight jorts saying things like “Women are so overrated anyways. Who listens to Radiohead anyway. Records are soo hipster. I am so tired of people liking things ironically” as they start to build tents and makeshift homes out of recycled cardboard. 

I wake up. Its 8am. It was a dream. My older Child walks in hands me a coffee giggling. I sip it. Its pure salt with coffee flavor. Ahhh April Fools for real. My Wife is heard screaming in the other room “What is this?? Jalapeños in my coffee??” Giggling turns to crying. Its back to reality. COV-ID 19 is still around. Trump is still a dick and we are still at home until the end of time.  I look over at my razor and think.  Nahhhh.. i will wait another few months! 

Cries are heard from an unknown source as my Wife announces that their is no school today and it is not an April Fools joke.  I realize the cries are coming from me.  Maybe PBRV-420 ain’t so bad after all. 

Godspeed