New Stuff

What a superbowl party is really like

on
This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared...
0

Quarantine Day 46: Puzzle World

on
My Wife and I have recently found a way to get by in this terrible psychological experiment known as homeschooling. Its called jigsaw puzzles. 

 Yes. Puzzles.

 On April 15, we decided to attempt to finish a Star Wars puzzle from 2 years ago. Yes. 2 years ago. Apparently we suck at puzzles. I brought the embarrassing attempt back up from the dead, placed it on our Bart Classroom table and thought What the hell. We got all the time in the world. Let’s try this bad boy again. My Wife and I dove in and tried to finish bad ass Yoda while the Kids screamed at each other over who gets to hold the remote just at the end of “school” at 3pm. 

 Immediately, the hungry chants started. One after the other until a beautiful unison of hunger songs came from the living room. I’m hunggrrrryyyyyyyyyy

 “You. Just. Ate. Giiiiirls!!”, I scream.

 “That was like an hour ago!!!” The Older Child screams back forcing me to break my concentration and now yell at her to respect her father and not talk back. Crying starts. 

 I look down at the puzzle and realize that we are now amazing at puzzles. In only 10 minutes we have completed Yoda and now working on the background. 

 But then it happened.

 “Holy Shit. Dan its 6:00!!”

 I look at my watch. WTF. We have been puzzling for 3hrs?? It only felt like 10 minutes!?

 It is then we realized that time stops when doing puzzles.  Its like Ant Man and the Quantum Realm.  Leo in Limbo in Inception. Adam Sandler clicking Pause on life in Click.

 We have called this new reality, Puzzle World. 

 In Puzzle World, Children do not yell. There are no screaming teachers. There is no fake news. There is no fighting Children. There is no President telling people to digest Lysol. There is no stress over growing a beard, or how many months to grow a man bun, or worrying if my sneezing is COVID and I’m on deaths door.

 In the last 2 weeks, my Wife and I have been entranced in this new Puzzle World. We realized that when we enter Puzzle World, the world around us continues but our world stops. 5 minutes in Puzzle World is equivalent to 2hrs in the real world. Its become a problem.

 We have since finished the Yoda puzzle with 8 pieces missing that my Kids probably ate due to hunger pains. We are now onto a new puzzle a Neigbor gave us like 2 years ago. Its a giant 2000 piece Winne the Pooh puzzle that takes up half the Bart Classroom table and takes up half of our lives. Its become a problem. I hate Pooh. 
Hungry kids you have? 
We try to stop but the Puzzle continues to talk to us luring us in with its beautiful sultry and sexy voice. 

 Come to me, it says as we walk by it. Go on. Look for the piece to complete Tigger’s mouth. It instigates. I bet you cant do it. 

 “NO. I WONT DO IT!” I scream out loud to the puzzle. It looks back at me, twirling its hair. Play with me Danny. You know you want to. Come into Puzzle World. I have everything you need. 

 The puzzle sounds like an 80s sex operator. I love a man with a beautiful manly beard. Come on in. You know you want to. 

 I give in. My Wife follows. Its only a matter of time until Puzzle World takes over our souls leaving our children to care for themselves and eventually us when they are adults.  Probably have puzzle kids and puzzle families. Who knows. Please COVID go away already!  I am losing it. 

 Godspeed

Comments

Post a Comment