It happened around 9:35am; 5 minutes after Bart School started. I was just coming downstairs to the Bart Classroom to help Mrs Bart get the kids settled in their seats and take attendance. We had to yell at the little Child for bringing a toy into the Classroom. Crying started naturally immediately after.
“Ava has a test today” my Wife says to me.
“Yeah Dad. I have a test today”, the older Child excitingly says.
2 things wrong here. 1) she didn't call me Mr Bart 2) Who the hell gets excited about a test
“A test on what?”, I say nervously. I clear my throat a bit to hide my cracking voice.
“Fractions!”, says again an excited older Child. “Fractions are easy. I got this!”
Fractions are easy? I got this? Who the hell does she think she is, Isaac Newton.
I start to panic. 2 weeks ago she didnt know what the hell a fraction was. Now today she has a test! How dare this teacher do this to us! Please Sun. Make people stay inside so we can kick this viruses but and begin life again; preferably real school.
I mind-speak to Rose:
“A test? Does she even know what 1/2 + 1/2 is?”
“Don’t worry Danny. Your handsomeness will overcome anything. Your beautiful head of hair and phenomenal manly beard can end wars in all countries, end hunger in small countries, get Trump to think he is not always right.”
I just stare at her. Lately my mind-speak to Rose has been a bit hard to understand. I blame the beard.
She did all her schoolwork by 11am. Naturally. Now it was time for her to take the test. We clicked the button to start and of course immediately she started clicking things because why would she listen. I let her do her test - 10 questions, all fractions - and told her to NOT click submit until I look it over. She clicks submit. I never got to look over. Yet, somehow she got all 10 correct!
At that moment, I felt like Leo on top of the world. Like Bo Peep when she gets what she wants at the end of Toy Story 4 (which I’m still sad over). Like Neo when he dodges bullets. Its like at that moment I knew what Bill Murray whispers to Scarlet Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation. He said “Danny, your a motherfucking TEACHER” In my mind I saw myself like Moana screaming out to the sea “I AMMM A TEACHEERRRRRRR”.
The moment lasted 7 seconds as the newly named Worlds Greatest Fraction Test Taker suddenly told me she was hungry. Then like the Seagulls from Finding Nemo screaming Mine Mine Mine Mine, I heard Hungry, I’m Hungry, Hungry, I’m hungry now, hungry, I’m hungry, I’m hungry now, coming from both children in broken unison.
And as I type this, the Children are rehearsing another dance for us to watch. Meanwhile I’m still trying to figure out the answer to this freaking math problem making the rounds on social media. I should ask my daughter because clearly her Dad is an idiot.
Maybe I should just stick with being Worlds Greatest Principle.
Godspeed
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