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What a superbowl party is really like

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This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared...
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The Apocalypse: Walkie Talkies and CCD

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Today is Sunday March 22. We were supposed to do virtual church today because thats a thing now, but we never did. I started to panic thinking that my wife and I would have to extend the Bart Worskshop to include CCD. So far so good. Nothing from the Church indicating this yet. I pray to the Heavenly Father to please not include this in our daily family Teaching Time with the Barts because this might tip me over the edge. 3 Hail Marys 

We also found some old toys that we have not played with before because apparently we have too many toys in our house yet the TV is always on and the kids are always bored and laying on the floor in hunger pains. It was a pogo stick. Remember those!  But this one was clearly recreated for safety and had like ponies and shit on it. No more stick with squeaky springs that can bludgeon someone’s skull if it slipped out from underneath you. My wife and I partaked in the fun and in 10 minutes it was over and they were on to something else. 2 Our Fathers 


They have chalked up the entire driveway that I’m certain reads a message that can be seen from the sky “HELP US”. Oh wait, that may have been the message that I snuck in over their flower and rainbow drawings when they went in the house after being bored 15 minutes later. 1 Apostles Creed 

 The kids opened up a gift that the younger one was supposed to give to a friend for his bday.  But it got cancelled so now we are playing with his gift.  Saying those words out loud sounds terrible. Cancelled bday and playing with the bday boys toys. Aww.  BUT.. Its a walkie talkie set! One that clearly is not really for children. 

 So now all around the house we hear “Ellie here. Can you hear me, over?”  “Yes El. I can hear you, over”.  “I love you, over”.  “I love you too, over”.  “Can you hear me, over?” “Yes Ava. I can hear you, over” as they sit 6 feet apart. Social distancing people.  This has continued now for the last 2 hours and somehow I am now the “bad guy” and they are the police officers and i am under arrest every 5 minutes. This was fun for 10 minutes before the older one got all into it and now has required Marshall Law over the “town” that i live in to avoid looters and rioters who may try to break me out of “jail”.  Kids imaginations I tell ya. Now they are talking shit about us to each other thinking we cant hear. WTF!!! 1 Act of Contrition. 10 Hail Marys 

 But something weird started with the walkie talkies. Suddenly, we started to hear another voice coming from it. This put Daddy completely in freak mode as there is a garbled voice coming from channel 21 on their devices. Did we open up a portal to another dimension? Does this dimension have toilet paper? Is there social distancing in place?  My mind wanders as I think back to movies like Frequency or shit even Contact.  Is this person my older self telling my younger self to ease up on the Children and not to yell at them for  357 times a day because as a result they will not care for you when you get older and leave you in a home to die!  The entire Rosary.

 I try to snap out of it but the voice continues.  “Gerewww ttlsejjjfgj wwekoeooeo”. It speaks to me in riddles i think.  “TELL ME YOUR NAME” I scream.  “DO YOU HAVE PURELLLLLL.  DO YOU HAVE AN AMAZON FRESH WINDOW TIME SLOT!”  “WHAT IS IT LIKE ON THE OTHER SIDE!?”  “IS THERE FOLKS WALKING BY YOUR HOUSE EVERY 10 MINUTES WHEN THEY ARE TOLD TO STAY INDOORS!”  “DO YOU HAVE A CHIPOTLE THAT DELIVERS!?” “WILL MY BLUE APRON ORDER COME TOMORROW??????”  “PLEASE SEND ME SOME BANANAS!!!!”    I then realize the family is looking at me as I am holding the older Child’s CCD book reciting prayers. Repeat the Rosary, now! 

 Hmm.. maybe CCD should be included in the Bart Workshop.  

 I am losing my mind. 

 GodSpeed 

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