The Apocalypse: Today is the new Groundhog Day

Today is Monday. Or it can be Wednesday or Saturday. It doesn’t really matter anymore. Technically we are now living in real life Groundhog Day.  Days will not have names anymore.  Just Today. Today will be the new name for all days of the week. 

Today, Punxsutawney Phil didn't see his shadow.  Today, there is a winter storm happening in Spring. Oh and Today there is a virus spreading around the world making us relive the same day over and over again until only God knows.  Today sucks. 

Phiiilllllll?? Phill Connors?

This morning around 11am the older Child was done with her schoolwork. This has become the new ”witching hour”. So as the younger Child is trying to do all her Kindergartner work, the older Child is hungry, bored, tired, bored, hungry, bored, bored, hungry and starving letting everyone in the house, including probably neighbors and virtual friends including demons on her Walkie Talkie, well aware of it. 

Today we got an Amazon order and it was not food.

A pencil fight started around 11:15am. Apparently the younger Child was using her sister’s pencil - the one that she has been using all morning. When asked the older Child when the last time she used it she stated, “well I wasn’t because I couldn’t find it!”. This then put Daddy into hysterics realizing we are the most unorganized classroom in the district and went on Amazon to order classroom supplies. Can I eat paper by the way? Because it seems i can get that and staples very very easily. 

Today the kids were starving. 

To calm the situation, I helped the older Child with some “extra work” thats given to the students for when you finish your entire days worth of schoolwork in 25 minutes.  She had to listen and read a story about what large numbers are,  like million, billion and trillion. How fitting for the trillion of seconds we will be held captive in our homes. 

Today we yelled at the children.

We learned that if one were to play hide and seek (not virtual) and count to a million, it would take approximately 23 days of counting to shout “READY OR NOT HERE I COME!” 

Today the Children played dress up and danced around the house.

A thought came to my mind.. “Ava, why dont you go upstairs in your room, shut the door, plug your iPad in and start a FaceTime Hide and Go Seek game! You can all try to count to a million. See if it takes you less than 23 days.  I totally bet you cant do it!”.  I was trying to be sly but she was totally on to me and just looked at me and told me she was hungry.

Phiiilllllll?? Phill Connors?

If Daddy goes in his room and counts to a trillion, when he comes out of his room will the kids be back at school?
A) Yes
B) No
C) Did Punxsutawney Phil see his shadow?
D) You got a better chance of getting COV

Today the Children played together nicely for 5 minutes, then fought for 10. Repeat all day long.

We played with our Walkie Talkies again. As mentioned yesterday, i am pretty sure we opened a portal to another dimension — Channel 21. I have started conversations with my new imaginary friend, Wilson. I told Wilson that there used to be a time when kids would actually go outside and play. Visit friends at their houses. Actually go into a classroom to learn with a real life person, called a Teacher, who would preside over the class and teach the students. Wilson was amazed. He has never heard of such a thing. In Wilsons future, everyone stays home and never leaves. Amazon and Apple run the world and everyone is over 500lbs. Sounds like the movie Wall-E. I asked Wilson if paper is edible in his future. He didnt know what paper was. Dammit. 

Today, Daddy had a meeting while the kids were screaming.

In other exciting news, I decided to attempt to grow a beard again. More like an apocalypse beard. I have tried this in the past, even blogged about my quest and how I have beard envy (click here to read). Unfortunately, its not going so well. It looks like someone threw pubic hair all over my face. I look dirty, like a hobo. People are going to start hissing at me and spraying me in the eyes with Lysol if they see me walking towards them in the street. But I must be persistent and show resilience for I am now my kids teacher. I am Mr Bart.

Today, I tried to get an Amazon Fresh order only to get a “no delivery window available”

If Daddy starts to take Spanish lessons as he relives the same day over and over and over and over again, how many seconds will it take him to hablar español como un local:
A) 1,000,000 seconds
B) 1,000,000,000 seconds
C) 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 seconds
D) Eres un idiota Daniel


Godspeed, over and out.