New Stuff

What a superbowl party is really like

on
This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared...
0

The Apocalypse: Homeschooling Pt 2

on
10:35am. This is the time that our big second grade daughter told us she was done with her schoolwork. Not 1:30pm. Not even noon. 10:35am

Before this, the Bart School was open for business. Our dining room converted into a small Bart workshop with children setup with little desks to do their work and assignments while my Wife and I work online and get shit done; smiling lovingly as we sit across from each other. Its like a Leave it to Beaver work-from-home special. Birds singing outside.  Mr Rogers singing in our heads. Imaginary neighbors, the Jones’s, singing “Helloooooo Mr and Mrs Bart” as they sashay by our street side window. Everyone smiling. Everyone working. Everyone quiet. 

Until 10:35am

This is when the yelling started. The whining about not being able to watch TV and Mommy and Daddy yelling to take your time to do the schoolwork because your not playing on your iPad or watching TV all day.

This imaginary teacher is going to be the death of us. How can people homeschool? Who has patience for this? Ive always respected teachers and all they do but holy hell, how do you do it!?

By 11am everyone is hungry. Not like hungry for a snack, but starving as if they never ate. Suddenly they’re laying on the floor with hunger pains and whining.  WTF is going on!? 

We dont give in. The cries of hunger fill the room as my wife and i continue to work and fake smile to one another. Mr Jones has now called the police due to the noises and sounds that have surfaced from our home. 

Noontime is lunchtime — just like school we say. You’d think the children never ate before. The older Child wants to make her sandwich into hearts using a heart cookie cutter that my wife usually does for them to be cute. “No”,  I say, “we dont have enough food to be wasting”  This puts me in a panic mode again as I look through our pantry and fridge telling myself we are fine.  Then one of the kid sneezes.  OMG, are you ok? Do you feel sick? Let me feel your head.  I am slowly losing it. 

Its now 4pm and just like yesterday there are tons of kids running all around and playing together while my kids are sitting in the window looking out of their jail cells crying cause they want to play. “I guess the parents didnt get the message” I scream as the children continue to cry. 

Suddenly, I hear “I’m hungry now” ....  

Daddy makes Mommy 1 old fashion. She drinks it rather fast and so Daddy makes 3 more. How much Bourbon is left until Mommy and Daddy are:

A) Coronavirus free
B) Drunk enough to forget
C) Become alcoholics
D) Start to Lysol deliverymen’s eyes when they approach the house screaming “GET AWAY!! STAY AWAYYY!!!!”


All the above

Godspeed 

Comments

Post a Comment