The Apocalypse: Homeschooling has been extended to April 10

Last night we got a phone call from our local school administration informing us that homeschooling will continue until at least April 10. This made it clear that my Wife and I will be drinking daily until at least April 10. At this point, the Children already forgot how to spell and count to 10, let alone learn new things from their new “Teachers” like the Metric System and Spanish and how the Earth is not flat. And Mommy and Daddy are already 2 daily drinks more closer to becoming full on alcoholics.  Is virtual AA a thing yet?

If Mommy and Daddy have 1 drink on Sunday and everyday have 1 more drink than the day before, how many drinks will they have per day by April 10?

Teachers, is there going to be some kind of Teacher/Teacher (Forget parent/teacher thats for sure) on how to be a Teacher? I am a Project Manager and can manage the kids, but Lord help me I cannot teach. I do not know what core math is nor do i care if 5+5 = 10 but 8+2 = 4+4+1+1 which is then equal to 10 but divided by 2 = 5x2. WTF does that even mean.  Is there a magic word to say when the Child cries “but this is how I was taught” when the new Teacher aka me does something the way I was taught when I was in school?   Is there some kind of magic potion or spell you use to calm the kids?  They don't pay attention to anything. Its a constant struggle. My voice hurts from yelling, or its COV. Nobody listens!  Is there a special spoon stirring technique like in Get Out that I can use to put the kids in a translucent state?? Am I supposed to give the kids a report card?????  What time do you allow virtual Hide and Seek? 

HOW DOES THIS WORK?

Today in Social Studies, my second grader listened / read on what sugar is and how the body uses it. She failed the test twice, naturally, and then asked for juice.  I had to sit with her for 20 minutes to go through this exercise so she understands. Once we passed the test she told me that glucose is used by the body to feed plants.  I shook my head in disappointment, gave her juice and walked away.

In other news, we got our first Amazon Fresh order last night. The doorbell rang and after the panic of Zombies at our front door trying to get our toilet paper was relieved, we realized it was the delivery man who left some presents by our door.  My Wife and I were like 2 kids on Christmas smiling ear to ear running and pushing one another on who can answer the door first. She beat me. I have the bruises to prove it. 

We opened the front door to see a few bags outside our storm door. It was then we realized that the Amazon Fresh man is an evil person who is trying to to kill us as he placed the groceries flush along the storm door trapping us in our homes forever. I envisioned me climbing out the window, shirt half-ripped with no shoes or socks on like John McClain from Die Hard, and jumping down to save our family to open our door as its being blocked by evil Amazon Fresh.  That is, until my wife, pushed the door ever so gently and the bags moved easily to make way for the door to open. I was actually a little disappointed.

In our daily walk last night, we passed by a neighbors house whose garage door was open revealing a GIANT bunker of food. It was like something from a movie. I salivated like a thirsty amigo from 3 Amigos. At least I know where to go when the purge starts. Your gonna see a lot of people not dying of Cov, but of heart disease and diabetes from all the food they are eating while being held captive.. oh and maybe Alcoholism.  God created this virus to kill off the parents so these dam kids can take over the world like a giant Lord of the Flies with IQs of 27.  30 Hail Marys

Can I go into John McClain mode yet?

Godspeed