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What a superbowl party is really like

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This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared...
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The Apocalypse: Today was fractions

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At 10:05am it happened. The older Child took out her Math book and was told to do fractions. My Wife and I looked at each other in horror.

 “Fractions, huh”, I nervously asked with a wearing smile.  I look over at Rose. She already looks like she ran a marathon. Hair satin wet. Clothing drenched in sweat. Hands shaking.

 “Oh. Fractions are so easy, Ava”, my Wife tries to reassure herself as her brain starts to try to figure out what 1/2 of 1/3 is.


“No more math problems requiring addition and subtractions”

 My mind wanders.. If Daddy has 2 drinks and gives 1 to Rose, how many drinks more does Daddy need to make to get Mommy drunk and head to Teachers Lounge.

 We take out her assignment and read the instructions. It states that she needs to read pages 75-78 to learn the basics. Then answer the questions on pages 79 and 80.

 Alex, I will take Schooling for $500

 Answer: A person quarantined and not allowed to leave their home for their entire lives and must homeschool children, having no idea how to teach, until they are 34

 What is a Parent?

 Correct!!

 The older Child takes out her book and immediately goes to page 75. My Wife and I look at each other and start to mind talk. 

 “I dont even know what a fraction is!”

 “Sure you do Rose. We got this!”

 “Is there anymore wine left? Is it too early to drink? God Dam you are handsome. That beard looks like something i have always dreamed on a man. Where on Earth did you get your good looks from? Was your Father a thief and stole all the stars in the sky and put em in your baby blue eyes? I once heard of a man named Chuck Norris, then I met you. Can you take me upstairs to the Teachers Lounge?” She says to me in her sultry eyes through her mind. Then I wake up. 

 We look over at Ava and she is already starting to answer her questions.  

“NO” I scream as if the mailman approaches me to hand me mail. “You have to read first and learn what a fraction is”.

 “Daddy, I did. You see this picture. Its 1 triangle with 4 triangles that make it up with 1 colored. This means one forth of the triangle is colored”.

 In that moment, the Sun comes out from hiding. The birds chirp songs of solidarity. The neighbors come out. The Jones’s walked by, sashaying singing “Hellllooooooo Barts!”. Barney Stinson and a flash mob broke out on the streets singing about how great it is to wear a Suit. The President comes on the news to tell all that he is an idiot and wrong about everything. Hillary comes out and admits she was a doofus for using her personal computer for highly confidential information and that she is a Lesbian (not that there is anything wrong with it) Obama finally admits “No you cant!!” in response to his Yes, you can.  Amazon products that I already bought stop appearing as ads in my browser windows. The Bart Chronicles reaches a million subscribers. Babies learn to speak Dog and Dogs take over parenting duties. The AppleTv remote never ever gets lost again. Kittens never grow up to be stupid cats but stay little and adorable forever. My beard grows into a beautiful Hollywoodian and i become the spokesperson for being awesome. The iPhone and Android phones learn how to text as “equal opportunity” in group chats. The homeless are welcome into the worlds richest homes. An announcement comes out that hugging is the cure for the Coronavirus. Christmas becomes a daily holiday. And my wife takes me to the Teachers Lounge. Just a PERFECT moment. 

 “But you..” I start. My wife follows “You didnt even read the..”

 “The assignment. You only touched it with your hands”

 Ava smiles at us. 

 Its at this moment, my wife and I believe that Ava is a prodigy child who clearly is suffering with ADD simply because she is not challenged enough.  We have the smartest child in the world who simply touches a page and can incorporate it like Neo in the Matrix. This is amazing.... until I think “OH SHIT... THIS MEANS I HAVE TO CHALLENGE HER MORE!??  Ava go watch TV!”


The excitement ended when in 25 minutes she couldn’t figure out this problem:

 1/9 of the shirts sold at Peters shop are striped. 5/8 of the remainder are printed. The rest of the shirts are plain colored shirts. If Peters shop has 81 plain colored shirts, how many more printed shirts than plain colored shirts does the shop have while it is allowed to sell shirts to the public due to Coronavirus?

 She answered “Peter’s shop has 54 more printed colored shirts than plain shirts.”

 Sigh. Looks like we dont have a prodigy child after all. 


 Godspeed.



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