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What a superbowl party is really like

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This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared...
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3 simple chores in life that confuse me

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There are some things in life that seem simple everyone can do. No questions asked. However, as good as I am at doing them, I still am not quite sure I am doing them well or even the correct way.

Here are 3 simple everyday things in life that I do but not sure correctly.

Filling the Dishwasher

Seems simple. Nice try. Scholars and PHD students have written thesis on this topic: How to properly load a dishwasher. Nobody knows. And if you think you know, you dont. Why? Cause there is no dam manual for this shit. Just put xx on top rack and yy on bottom rack and squeeze all that shit in until it fits.

There is a bunch of poles that stick up in the air indicating that a plate or bowl or something should go there. Now in what order and how you do it to make it fit has challenged couples for years and even caused divorce in some — only an assumption.

Only in dreams

I am pretty sure there are books out there on the correct process to load a dishwasher so that every item inside gets an equal balance of godliness cleanliness and can be filled to its maximum potential. There is a constant battle between my wife and I of who wears the crown of best dishwasher loaded. Some would say that the more the better. Others would say that less is more. No clue. All I know is that my wife does not pre-clean which means that there are constant HARD food remnants on almost all our plateware and silverware – gross. What’s more amazing is how hard it is to get that super HARD food off the dish. Its like baked on — double gross.

Lastly, it takes exactly 7 seconds to clean a plate to perfection manually and 2hrs to clean a plate in the dishwasher with the possibility of having hard stuff left on it due to having no clue how to properly stow it in the dishwasher. I think I’d rather eat my detergent pod instead.

Loading the Laundry

There were 2 things I learned to do rather quickly when I moved out of my house at the tender age of 21. 1) find the nearest liquor store and 2) do my own laundry. The latter is quite harder than it seems.

First, how the hell does one separate colors.  I am not quite sure if I’m supposed to mix whites with grays, grays with blacks, blacks with reds, reds with whites (no). Its like a United Color of Benniton living bi-law agreement that is only explained by a stupid tag on my shirt that has a bunch of pictures and words that make no sense to me or probably anyone but true launderers who have studied the science and art of washing clothes.

And wtf is up with that stupid line that is in the detergent cup. 1) you can barely see the god dam thing and 2) how the fuck do I know what a small, medium or full load means. Show pictures and examples for Christs sake. Lately, my washing machine has been yelling at me stating SUD on the indicator which means I oversudded aka used too much god dam detergent. If they showed me pictures of what a full load is I wouldn't be a SUD!



Lastly, why does the washer/dryer kidnap my socks... future blog/short story about the Adventures of Stripe the Sock to come.

Using the iron board


I have been ironing my shirts for at least 20 years now. And I must say, I really have no clue how to really use that iron board. It looks pretty and has a nice little curve to it looking like a bullet on a stand with an 80s Members Only jacket on it. The problem is I have no idea how to use the pointy part. Sure, I can google this and find out immediately, or I can do it exactly how I have been doing it fo the last 20 years. Could be wrong. I don’t know. I do know that I have no clue how to iron pants – at all. I assume that the pointy part is a very important part of the iron board that should be utilized to ensure a proper and effective ironing experience. However, I really don’t know what to do with it so I don’t use it. Instead I use it to hold my TV remote as I watch the news while doing a late night or early morning ironing — wrongly.



Sigh

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