My Disney on Ice Experience

As a child, I had dreams and visions of seeing that giant truck, Bigfoot, crushing cars with its HUGE wheels in its path as the main event at the Monster Truck Rally.  This never happened.  And so as an adult, I had dreams of taking my sons to see Bigfoot at the Monster Truck Rally. This never happened either.  Instead, God gave me 2 girls and as a result, I had the opportunity to see Disney on Ice instead -- Princess edition!  A Princess crushed my Bigfoot dreams.   Let it go.

That car under Bigfoot's wheel is like my soul. Crushed.

Where to begin..




The event took place at the Prudential Center in Newark NJ.  Driving through Newark is always fun with the family and not as scary as everyone makes it to be.  However, I still felt the need to park as close as possible..just.. in .. case.  So somehow I found myself in this narrow street with a parking lot that can fit 100 cars yet somehow, someway will fit 500.  It was literally next door to the venue and cost 30 bucks.  Yes 30 dollars to give your keys to a man running around like a maniac and peel out with your car to park it as quickly as possible and move on to the next sucker waiting to park seconds later.

When I got out of the car, I felt like a celebrity being stampeded by Paparazzi aka vendors selling kids toys. They literally stormed the car.  There was about 7 of them but it felt like 100s.  I took my kids out of the car and shielded their faces, as well as mine, like celebrities do when they are trying to live their life and don't want their pictures taken.  "10 dollars" is all that can be heard amongst Newark's finest trying to make a quick buck.  I screamed "Leave us alone.  Leave us alone" fanning away Princess shirts and paraphernalia, and ran inside the venue as quick as possible with my family.  

We walked in safe and sound only to wait in a security line in which my wife was reprimanded for bringing:

• 5 ziplock bags of popcorn
• 3 granola bars
• 6 pretzels from Philly pretzels
• 4 water bottles
• and a smile

in her giant tote into the venue.  Miraculously we were allowed through with our contraband allowing us to save at least $432 dollars in food costs.  Good girl.

Not sure how to explain a kid event except with the following word "Mayhem".  Just complete mayhem is really the best way to describe it.  Its a single person's nightmare and Hell for that person who "doesn't want kids".  There are thousands of kids everywhere, totally outnumbering parents at least 12 to 1.  It's like the epicenter for kids of all ages screaming and yelling and laughing and crying.  Everywhere you look are children and they are all being bad in some way; except our kids because they are perfect - says every parent at the event.

After zigzagging and taking some kids out in the process, we found our section and got in our seats.  The arena was lit up with all kind of sparkling lights screaming all kind of different noises.  It looked like a kid version of a rave but instead of high bass and loud horns, there was "Its a Small World" and other "magical" Disney songs blasting from the speakers above.

My child asked for a wand that shines annoyingly all different colors and will only be used to hit her sister with for the next 5 hours.  It cost 25 dollars.  But outside it was 10. Dammit!  I said No, in which she was like Oh Man and moved on with her life.  Meanwhile, 20 years later she will write a blog about how her Daddy aka me was such a cheap fuck and never bought her that special wand she so wanted at the Disney on Ice show when she was 4 and because of that she is on pain pills and anxiety medicine.  Dammit!

Unlike a concert, this shit starts on time with no opening act.  Thank God for that.  And so as 3:00 approached, some God from the skies announced every 2 minutes on the loudspeaker that it was getting closer to the start of the show --- reminding EVERYONE to please take your seats, ya know, because the show is about to start.

And so 3:00 rolled by and the show started.  For the next 15 minutes I watched people all around us attempt to find their seats; and in doing so I was kicked in the head, hit in the head and shoulder by some unknown assailant with his/her plastic sword that sparkled, brushed by someone's butt in the back of my head as they passed me in the row behind looking for their seat, tugged on the back of my shoulder by some little kid whose parent was too busy on their phone, screamed at by some little kid who was walking down the stairs (i had the aisle seat) only to not be able to see anything that was happening on the ice.  It was complete mayhem.  So much for getting their 15 minutes early.

Finally around 3:20, people began to figure out how an arena works: there is a ticket that says your seat and section and even someone who can help you find your seat!  We got lucky as the entire 3 rows in front of us were completely empty. Awesome.  Feet up and relax and time to enjoy a bunch of singing costumed freaks perform on ice. 

At 3:45 it happened.  At first it was a Mother and her 2 kids.  Then 2 more kids. Then 3 more kids. Then another Mother.  Then a Father somewhere.  Another 5 kids of all ages.  Maybe another parent but dont think so.  3 or 8 more kids.  Until the entire 3 rows in front of us were filled with people of all ages, that looked like the Spanish Duggar family, scattered about looking down and around as if they were partaking in a scavenger hunt searching for lost items on the floor.  This went on for at least 10 minutes.  About 30 children, 3 Mothers and I think a Dad, were all around us -- in the front, in the sides. It was like they were trying to steal our souls.  I had not a clue of what was going on.

At first we all just looked at each other like "really?  Its 45 minutes after the show started" but then it looked like the scene from Caddyshack when they allow the Caddies to swim for 15 minutes at the Club pool.  I mean how hard is it to find your fucking seat?  How simple is it to just sit down and the next person sit to the left or right of you?  Especially if you are all together.  How difficult is it to say, just prior to blocking an entire section because you cant understand the concept of time, sit down and take your fucking seat?!  This did not happen.  And as a result, mean Danny Bart came out. 

I am pretty certain the Duggar family was in attendance

It started with a "Excuse me.  Please sit" to eventually a "Are you kidding me?  Hello??  My kids are trying to watch the show. Move out of the way!."  Eventually, he said something in a language I don't know, which can probably translate to something like "This side parted tool bag with the fancy shoes and sweater is pissing me off.  Please sit down now before I knock that goofy grin and wannabe dimples off his side parted hipster face".  I think he had a neck tattoo by the way.  Whatever he said it worked and the entire family of 47 was now sitting cozy in their seats.....   That is until 10 minutes later when 27 other people came down the stairs and stood all around us looking for their seats in the now-famous 3 rows in front of me.  Yes.  Apparently the family of 47, after all that, were in the wrong seats. 

The show should have been renamed to The Duggars on Ice because this is what I felt like 20 minutes of my life was wasted on.  Their was an intermission and the 47 of them all got up -- which took almost the entire intermission -- and the new family of 27 sat down in their assigned seats with no problems.  I believe that original Duggar family of 47 is still looking for their seats somewhere at the Prudential Center. 

I think my kids liked the show.  Who knows. I am sure the section blockers in front of us liked it more.  This would have never happened at Monster Truck Rally.  Just sayin.. 

Of course both kids had to use the bathroom as the show ended and all the kids were let loose, which caused a 45 minute delay in leaving the arena.  By the time the show ended, all the kids in attendance were now cracked out of their minds on sugar from the $30 cotton candy and other fine assortments of goodies the venue had to offer, and running around like it was the last day of school.  The place was a mad house leaving.  Kids screaming like they were waiting for their last fix.  Complete chaos.  Somehow we got out of there safe and sound and actually got our cars quickly from the $30 parking lot crooks.  Of course we were still getting swarmed by Paparazzi in which I still screamed "NOO" when they approached us, once again hurting my children's inner soul.  Dammit!

None of this would have happened at the Monster Truck Rally where the legendary Bigfoot performs.  Just sayin. 

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