My Magical Experience at the Nail Salon

First off Men, there is a secret life our ladies are leading and it all starts with 2 simple words we have heard millions of times in our lives and yet know NOTHING about:  Nail Salon.   Yesterday was my 9 year wedding anniversary and so I, as the good husband I am, opted to join my wife for a "couple" manicure and pedicure at the said "Nail Salon" with little to no expectation  -- and the result was.... MAGICAL!

I now understand why my wife goes on a sabbatical when getting her nails "done".  I assumed this process was simple and basic and so when she would come home an hour and half later, fully relaxed and with a smile, it made me wonder if the "Nail Salon" is really another word for Magic Mike's Playpen.  Now I totally get it.  

Where to begin.. 



We got a manicure and pedicure combo -- just typing these words makes me feel strange (not that there is anything wrong with that).  We walked into the salon and proceeded to the back to big super comfortable leather chairs that have massage heads in them.  WTF.   I took off my jacket and looked for a place to put it.  Nobody spoke a word of English and looked at me funny as I held my jacket looking for a place to hang it up.  My wife was in the bathroom and so I stood there alone amongst, a room full of women -- half the room caring only about what is on their phones and what is going on their nails, and the other half of Asian descent, wearing masks and mumbling noises like "shaaa sheeee waaaa" to each other as they looked at me.  I looked around and saw no other women with jackets.  I guess this is a thing at the nail salon. Note to self -- no jackets at nail salons in the future (oh yes, there will be future visits)

I decided to simply leave my jacket on the floor next to my ultra luxurious chair and was told to take off my shoes and socks, and roll up my pants from my wife.  I did.  Then sat down in what felt like a chair that says Made in Heaven on the tag.  I then put my disgusting looking decrepit feet inside a beautiful blue pond of water that sat at the bottom of my chair.  The water was perfect temperature.  One of the masked Ninjas came by and pushed a button.  My chair suddenly came to life with all kinds of massage heads hitting my back as if I was Rocky.  Another button was pushed which activated a few jetties which lightly massaged my feet in "Heaven's Water".  Wow.

As I felt my life slowly drifting into a complete euphoric state, a masked bandit came by to attend to my feet.  I expected her to look at the situation at hand, assess it and figure out what she would do with my terribly disgusting feet by talking gibberish to her colleagues around her.  Instead, she grabbed them and just started putting all kinds of strange gels and liquid on them and then proceeded to cut my nails.  To put this into perspective, the nails on my feet can be used as nails for a cat costume -- they are that gross and long.  And so she just went about her way and cut.  I was bouncing all around on the chair as Moses's arms were penetrating my back trying to pull me into the Heavens.  I fought hard to stay on this Earth with my lovely wife. It was a hard fight. I won. 

"Sah wan nee" was heard out of the masked vigilante.  The other to her right, that was "topping" off my wife, said back "Nya Nya".  Another voice from afar said "Chen chong chen nee".  A giggle came from my ninja in front of me.  Without hesitation she asked me something about callous remover.  It took me at least 30 seconds to a minute looking around the room and to my wife trying to understand what she said underneath her masked mouth.  Then I understood.  My callouses on the side of my feet can combat the World's Ugliest Dog competition.  I said "Yes please" in which she got up and came back with something that looked like a cheese grater.  WTF

Within seconds, she was using my foot to make Parmesan cheese as she grinded away on the sides and soles of my feet with the cheese grater.  All kinds of funk was flying in the air, on her and on the floor.  I almost vomited my lovely Raymond's breakfast burrito that sat so wonderfully in my belly from this morning's breakfast.  Moses's hands guided me back and led me away from temptation.  Thank you Father. 

The grinding lasted an easy 5 minutes.  It looked like she was in a snowstorm as there was a nice layer of cheese/skin on her knees and the floor.  I took some home for Sunday dinner. 

In reality, I felt like I was Wynona Ryder, in Edward Scissorhands,  dancing around in the snow that was made, as Edward cut and grinded away on a large block of ice making a beautiful ice Angel statue, as Danny Elfman's beautiful Ice Dance score played in the background. 

Afterwards, there was some kinda aloe, or gel, or some green shit, that she put all over my feet and then back in the water.  After a few minutes of feet euphoria, she came back with what looked like hot wax.  That shit went on my heels and again back in the water.  This amazing process was repeated a few times.  

I realized that my wife had none of this, which makes me believe that 1) My feet are GROSS and need extra care and time to make right 2) A doctor was called in to identify unknown substances that were found on my feet and my Ninja is delaying me until the Dr arrives or 3) I am a male and this is the extra treatment males get.  (such a male thought)

I found out later that i was wrong on all accounts.  When i said yes to the callous remover treatment, it includes a few rounds of heavenly and enchanted god-like treatments.  Wow. 

The whole foot process took about 30 minutes.  I slowly got up as my feet felt and looked like I was wearing Heaven's shoes. Now on to my fingers.  

I sat down next to a giggling wife who was getting her nails covered in something called "Muir Muir on the wall".  My masked samurai made a joke about me getting the same color on my nails.  She had done this now 3 times and the joke was old and not funny.. but i still giggled. Whenever I would say something she would just giggle at me; even if it was a question I had.  It's clear she only understood women who wore masks.  Next time I will bring one. 

The finger royal treatment was not as exciting as the feet.  For one, the chair was basic.  I was cozy, don't get me wrong, but nothing like the foot experience I just had prior.  She pulled on my fingers a bit, massaged them and then went to town with her nail cutter.  She then took out some device that looked like a mini shovel.  The only way to describe what she did next to my nails is to imagine using a large ice pick and chopping down on hard ice in your driveway and then shoveling it away from the area you are trying to clean.  This is what she did.  With beautiful strokes, she de-iced my nails, freeing them from that shit on the nail bed called cuticles--which i always thought was normal. I guess this is like nail plaque?  No clue.  But now i am somewhat free of this dangerous material on my nail bed.  Thank God for that! {sarcasm intended}

The finger nail process was done in like 10 minutes.  Nobody told me they were done.  She just got up and walked away.  My wife gave me the courteous cue that I was done. "Oh".  So I went to her to this other magical area where you dry your nails.  Another phenomenal cozy chair awaited me.  I sat down and without notice my Ninja started to massage my back. "What.  The Fuck.  Is going on."  Is all I thought in my head. My wife laughed out loud at me as my mouth was agape in amazement.  She worked my neck and my back and then my shoulders.  For those who know, I recently had shoulder surgery on my right side.  I told her about this.  She laughed and said Ok and proceeded with her massage as if I told her that she smelled nice.  Within a few minutes, she just stopped and walked away.  Again, no indication that she was done. I had no idea what was to come next or the timeline of events if it was not for my wife.  The masked magical wizards do not say anything to you and if they do its like "Snahhh neeeeaayyy".  My wife then told me the devastating news -- my session was done. 

I almost left Earth and joined our Heavenly Fathers, leaving my wife this note in the process:

But I stayed for my children..


My wife had already paid and so we walked out, with my head down and sad, yet feeling like I just met God.  I asked her what it cost -- expecting to be a few hundred bucks.   "68 dollars" she said astonished.  I said "Oh wow.  That's not so bad.  So about 200 total with tip".  She said "No.  You were 38 dollars and I was 30. Your extra fancy callous remover treatment was 8 bux more", it was clear she was upset about the extra 8 bucks.  The room around me suddenly started to spin.  "You mean to tell me that this shit only cost 30 dollars!!!!" and with that I internally told myself that I will partake in the manicure/pedicure activities at least once every 2 months, or when my manliness allows me to. 

Nice try Ladies with your "Nail Salon" gimmick.  I totally get it now. Its a place where wizardry happens.  I will let everyone in on your little secret!! 
 
Men:  Please do yourself a favor and check out the magical world of "Nail Salon".  It will change your life -- and your feet.  I highly recommend a mask with you to speak ninja.

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