True Detective: What the f$&k is going on!

A year ago we were swept away in what was one of the most original and bizarre, yet entrancing and addicting show since Lost.  That show was True Detective.   Matthew was so good, that I am starting to think (especially watching his car commercials) that he was not acting and this is just his normal self.  Regardless,  it worked and it was AWESOME!

This year, we have a whole new cast and a whole new story.  Definitely not the Carcosa we remember from last year. 

I don't even know where to begin.  Actually I do.  This picture is where i start:

Why?  Because its in every fucking shot!  Seriously, there should be a drinking game whenever you see an overhead shot of Los Angeles or wherever the hell they are!  And so I will continue to flash this picture throughout this blog to annoy you even more - like the show.



First the cast:

Colin Farrell plays Ray, your typical Bruce-Willis-down-and-out-and-on-drugs cop who is struggling with all kinds of issues - from an ex wife who was raped and gave birth to the child's rapist, to not savoring the wonderful taste of Johnny Walker Blue but instead taking shots of it - who does this!?  He also looks identical to Scott Stap from Creed in the 90s with a mustache.  Makeover is a must. 

Then you have Vince Vaughn, who plays a guy named Frank who seems like someone who does not know how to invest his money properly and probably should have hired a financial advisor before he decided to give all his money to someone named Casper (will get to him later), who had his penis and eyes burnt out.  Unfortunately, Vince Vaughn is WAY too over-the-top with his not very good dramatic acting.  Most of the times he just keeps talking.  And its usually like this: 

Walking.  Sky is open.  Ya see him.  Going.  Take it back.  We shall see.  Leaves turn brown in fall. 

Exactly. No fucking clue half the time what this guy is talking about. Most of the entire dialogue of the series is like this.  

Next up is the wonderfully and beautiful Mean Girl herself, Rachel McAdams who plays Ani - the tough guy role who hates anything that lives.  Somehow she seems to be the most who has it all together - although i am pretty certain her skeletons will come out very soon.  She sports a very bad body wave with a fake ombre hair color.  Somehow its kinda hot in an 1993 sorta way.  She's angry at the world.  I am not sure she has ever smiled once.  She loves to have sex with her co-workers.  Her sister is a whore and her dad is some sorta of spiritual dude.  Its clear as day that she is jealous of him because he is living on top of a cliff that overlooks the ocean - probably the greatest place on the planet.  

And finally, Taylor Kitsch who plays another detective named Paul.  This dude is all kinds of fucked up.  I don't even know where to begin.  He does not like woman so in order to have sex with his hot girlfriend, he has to pop viagra.  He enjoys riding his motorcycle in the middle of the night at high speeds with his lights off and likes to accept blow jobs as payment to get out of a ticket from celebrities (or did he)  We just learned that he is gay and i am not sure he is happy about that.  I would think that Caitlyn Jenner's Espy speech would have helped him accept him, but i guess not.  In the last episode, his motorcycle was stolen and he cried like he was 7 when the big kids at school stole his lunch money. 

And now the story.. here is what I think i know so far:

Ray's wife was raped.  He went to Frank to find the guy and kill him.  Not sure if that ever happened. Somehow Ray and Frank established a relationship.  During this time, Frank moved up from owning strip clubs to moving up in the world as a con to now government development investments - the best con shit on the planet.  Something went wrong and his associate - Ben Casper - was murdered.  Frank, the worst investor in the planet, gave Casper all his money - all 5 million of it - and now is broke and is trying to get himself back in the game as a hustler / tough guy (which is not working Mr Vaughn).  The murder of Casper - who Paul found while midnight bike riding on the Pacific Coast Highway with his lights off - gave the state the opportunity to dig more into Casper and his associates ordeals (at least i think).  This then puts the 3 detectives, with Ani leading, to come together to try to find who the killer of Casper is.  

Thats it.  But its taking sooooooooo mucchhh lonnngggggerrr to get there.  Seriously, as soon as we start watching i immediately get tired.  I don't know if its the boring monotone grumbles of Vince Vaughn or the stupid looking face of Paul who looks like he wants to slit his throat any second.  I just can't figure it out. 

Every other scene is an overhead shot of highways.  The dialogue is forced and pathetic.  Everyone is fucking mumbling. I have to constantly put the volume of my tv up because i can't understand any of the grumbles that all male cast members spit out.  Ray beats the living hell out of his kid's bully's daddy and not one person questions this.  Wouldn't he be arrested?  Ray probably smells like he has not showered in 8 weeks and somehow he still has a job. Is he even good at it?  Who the hell knows.  I can go on and on about Paul and how fucking weird he is but i think that this makes his character maybe the most interesting.  It's also clear as day that this show will end like at the end of the movie Threesome with all 3 detectives doing each other. 

And what's the deal with the bar that Ray and Frank are always drinking Johnny Walker Blue at with that terrible local singer belting out more depressing tunes to make the show even more sadder and the waitress with the face scars who so wants to make love to Ray.  I just don't get any of it.  

Every episode i feel like Keanu Reeves in every movie he's made:

The only exciting thing that happened so far was the shoot out in the last episode (ep 4).  I seriously wish that was the entire show.  The thing that worked for season 1 was that it was soooo fucking weird that it made it good. I did not have a clue of what was happening in season 1 but because it was so bizarre and strange - i loved it.  I was finding myself constantly googling 'Carcosa' and actually downloaded the short story "The Yellow King" as if this would give me some answer to the mystery of that wonderful season. 

This season is just your typical down-and-out cops trying to find the killer of a sex addicted politician with the help of a very angry mob guy - umm.. this sounds like real life.  

There is nothing new and fresh about this show that makes it interesting.  Every episode is getting more and more boring.  To be honest, i don't even know the names of the characters.  I swear.  I actually had to look them up on IMDB.  Thats pathetic - or just my attention span.  Regardless, they better have like Vince Vaughn's annoying wife/girlfriend slit Frank's throat and make hot passionate love with Ani to bring me back in. 

So far: Boooooooooooo (with 12 os)

Let's hope the second half of the season gets better

....and now after reading this back to my wife.. she does not feel this way at all.  Does anybody else??