Windshield Wipers and how they suck at life

There are 3 important things in a car that you need to survive:

1. Brakes
2. Steering Wheel
3. Windshield Wipers

The latter may not seem like something that is life saving by any means, but think about it; it's entire purpose is to clean the windshield so you can see.  Without it, driving would be very difficult. 

Meet Mary Anderson:

 

Yes the inventor of the windshield wiper.  And yes - she is a woman.  It's cray to think that a woman can be associated with driving - in a good way!   As Borat says noooottttttt. 



Mary Anderson was an idiot.  And whoever approved her design and began using them on car production lines is also an idiot.  Sure, they work great in the rain.  But were they ever tested in snow!?  

This brings us back to the safety issue.   Steering wheels and brakes go hand in hand in the snow.  Obviously you need to control the wheel and brake when appropriate.  But what happens when the snow is falling down and you cant see out of your dam windshield.  You go to click on your windshield wiper button thingy and presto!  Your entire windshield looks like this:

courtesy of http://content.artofmanliness.com/uploads//2012/08/windshield.jpeg

leaving your car looking like you just drove through a swarm of locusts.

So then what do you do next?  You then spray some windshield wiper fluid on that shit.  It's then you realize that the god dam fluid is frozen and nothing is coming out which then forces your windshield to get even more dirtier forcing you to do the following to drive:

But who wants to drive like this when it's snowing and shit out.  Nobody.  So your forced to look through tiny passages of light that the blade so helpfully let through.  Thanks.. 

Seriously Mary, did you even consider that metal conducts cold and this shit freezes faster than anything else.  So to avoid having your windshield wipers freeze in a snowstorn (cause they will) I'm stuck seeing this at my job:

This is the equivalent of having your co-workers keep their umbrellas open on the floor so that they can "dry".  WTF does that even mean??  Its an umbrella. 

The truth is that this "trick" to keep the blades up does not work.  The only person that is dumb enough to believe this is Mary Anderson.  The blade will still get icy because well its metal.  This is how it works.  The windshield still has to be perfectly clean.  If it's not, then you will get that stupid streak of ice that is placed perfectly on the blade that is so neatly in line of your visibility, forcing you to arch your body in awkward ways while driving 8 mph on the highway to avoid hitting the giant SUV that you can not see in front of you at all.  Thanks Mary. 

Now back to the windshield wiper fluid that you soo freely used on your usual 20 minute commute home that's now 3hrs - thanks to the drivers not able to see out of their windshields because of their shitty wipers.  With approximately 2hrs left in your 5mph commute home, you see this wonderful image:

Ladies and gentlemen, this has been my winter.  I feel like everyday this happens.  No matter what I do the windshield wiper wins.  I hate you Mary and I hate you windshield wiper. 

And now back to Ace Ventura  and then i will be gone.. 

One of the first dates with my wife Rose - I was driving an '85 Oldsmobile Calais with a very bad cloth interior roof that I had to staple to keep it up and a steering wheel that was as loose as Paris Hilton. Dam I loved that car - I took her out to a nice dinner.  On our way home, it started to snow.  I clicked on my windshield wipers and pretended that I had everything under control (in reality that car was a death trap in the snow and I was petrified.. thanks to Gabriel Voison for inventing the anti-lock brake system that my car of course did not have)

A True Hero Indeed

On Rt 21, at approximately 10pm, my windshield wipers began to act funny.  The 2 of them thought it would be cute to have a Star Wars light saber fight against each other.  The left wiper - i'll call him Leo for the story, began to argue with the right wiper - I'll call him Joe.  It started off with Leo sorta not following in sync with Joe's direction.  Hmmm, i thought, this is strange as Leo started to get a little slower than Joe. 

A minute or so later it happened.  Joe and Leo began to bump into each other and have a full on man fight while I am trying to impress my 19yr old babe next to me as I drive heroically in the snow.  It only took about 30 seconds.  During this time, Leo had pushed hard against Joe.  Joe did not stand a chance.  Leo kept hitting him and eventually got Joe in a neck hold forcing Joe's clothes aka the wiper rubber blade covering to fly off onto the shoulder of Rt 21.  

In crazy hysterics, Leo applauded the victory by suddenly syncing up perfectly and working again as if nothing had happened.  But the damage was done.  Joe was gone, forcing stupid Mary Anderson's metal invention to be exposed.  And while Joe moved back and forth it would cause the metal to scratch the windshield making a sound worse than nails on a chalkboard. 

I stared in horror at Leo and what-used-to-be-Joe as Rose tried to hold her giggles in.  It was then I realized that I can now NOT see out of my dam windshield - like at all.  The wipers would do nothing but scratch the windshield only leaving a tiny hair strand length of light to see through.   

I took one for the team and drove like Ace Ventura with my head out the window.  It was cold.  I was embarrassed.  But god dammit I got laid that night!!!!!

Mary Anderson - you suck!