Stories From a BMW Service Waiting Room

I recently had to get my tire serviced at my car dealership.  Its the second time now in 4 months that ive had to get my tires replaced.  Luckily, i have tire insurance or it would cost me easily 300 bucks a pop.  Here is where I should write that I have a BMW.  I am not bragging. Its a car and its used. Booo.  But I'm telling you this because NOBODY tells you that these cars cost like 17,000 to repair.  This includes the tires!  Luckily I have another 28k on my warranty AND i actually paid for a tire insurance plan. Who knew that shit would actually help me! 

I took it by my work at the Morristown dealership.  I walked into the waiting room and gave my name in which I was told Mario would be with me in a bit.  I was expecting a short stout man with a moustache and that is EXACTLY what i got.  He was adorable.

Mario told me that the wait would be about 1.5 hours. I decided to wait it out.  The truth is I couldnt get a fancy loaner car to go back to work with. Boo.  

So I took my seat in the waiting room and that is where the fun began.. 

When getting a fancy car like a Mercedes or BMW or Lexus, you assume maybe too much.  Like I thought that i joined this prestigious elite club that smoked cigars and went to watch derbies on teh weekends while their wives wore funky hats that Lidea from Beetlejuice would look good in.  

Instead I got the complete opposite.  I just first want to say that i am not judging by any means.  But i think the picture I had painted in my head was much different that what I walked into. 

There were 7 people sitting:

 - A couple whom the wife, baby mama, bff or sister or all the above was clearly pregnant and due like now.  Her boyfriend, husband, babys daddy or all the above looked like he just escaped from jail.  He had 80s looking jewelery all over him and looked like he OG'd (overgold - 80s movie reference).  I think he even had a grill (in rap terms this means he had a type of jewelery worn on the front of his teeth)

- A woman who looked like she just shopped at the neighboring restaraunts garbage bin

- Another man who looked like he was the prison cell mate of the baby mama, wife, sister, or all the above of the pregnant lady mentioned before.  He had tattoos all over his neck.  I know this is 2014 and its sooo cool today to have tats all over your body but i was a bit nervous.

- Another man who made it a point to tell everyone that he replaced his tires already on his car 32 times.  i am not sure what that meant.  Usually I am VERY social and interact with anybody any chance i get.  But i couldnt be bothered this time.  He also wore a pair of nice loafers with socks.. ugghh and baggy pants. Who does this??!

- And finally a gay man and his adorable son Logan.  I know that he is gay and that his son is Logan .. well I will get to that next. 

So there I am sitting in a room that reminded me of what it would be like to attend Narcotics Annonymous.  Im wearing my fancy JCrew slate colored Bedford pants that fit a bit snug and rise just above the top of the shoe sole so my pastel color socks are on display.   I think I expected a room full of fancy men and women like me.  No.  Instead I was the strange looking man.. or i should say woman! (in this situation)

I decided to take a seat next to the gay man.  Even though his child was eating the stroler and making strange noises, there really was no choice. 

He picked his phone up and called All State insurance.  He then went on to tell the lady on the phone that he and his partner have decided to get a second home in the city.  You know New York City - which were his exact words.  He then went on about how he couldnt believe that he has a second home and he's still so surprised to say it.  Oh.. its a condo/co-op in case you are taking notes at home.  

Suddenly, Logan, his small adopted baby that was a few shades darker than him and incredibly cute, started making some noises.  More or less, gremlin noises.  And then it happened...

Out of nowhere, like Kanye storming the stage and making Taylor Swift cry, came the bag lady that dressed like she wore the clothes from the garbage of the neighboring restaraunt. 

She said, "do you mind?" and made that hand-out gesture that you do when you want to steal someone's baby.  

First and foremost, read my Crazy Category Scale blog.  You will see that this person was clearly a 5.

The man said "oh sure" cause what he is supposed to say.  I mean his baby is making some peeps and he has to figure out how to get insurance on his second home that he is soooo lucky to have. Clearly the latter is more important! 

Bag lady then picks up Logan from his fancy stroller and starts doing that thing that crazy women do when they pick the baby up and hold it high up in the air and make that silly face and make those silly 'ahhhhh' noises.  

I was kinda hoping that Logan would start crying.  But he didnt.  He just kept looking adorable as Bag Lady was spinning her around the room.  

Meanwhile, the father was telling All State lady, i think her name was Pam, that he and his partner ( i didnt get a name), just got back from St Maarten from a 3 week vacation.  Of course he and his partner went to St Maarten for 3 weeks.  Where the hell was Logan??  Did he go with them?

Around that time my phone died.  There is nothing worst more than life when you realize you have 2% left on your phone and you have to wait for something longer than 5 minutes.  How did our forefathers deal with this!????  

I then couldn't take it anymore so I took a walk.  I couldn't sit in this room any longer. 

Did you know that they sell BMW merchandise at the dealership.  How pompous can you be??  So I walked around and looked at $24 BMW keychains and $350 golf bags and $30 key fobs. I was flabbergasted.  The worst part is people were actually buying it!  Yes.  The pregnant woman requested to her baby's father/friend/brother/or all the above that she wanted the $200 BMW bookbag.  I couldnt figure out for what but he didnt hesitate to whip out his rubber band banks in his pocket and throw out 2 hundy's like it was nothing.  

After looking at some cars in the showroom and realizing that I will never ever ever ever own any of these, I went back to the waiting room.  Most of the people were now gone and it was quiet.  I sat down and watched News 12 and watched the same stories 34 times - Tracy Morgan is doing better, there was a big fire in Monmouth County, Rain is in the forecast all week... 

"There will be fog all week?" came out of nowhere.  I looked to see what was equivalent to what Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan or any socialite now will look like in 70 years.  There in front of me, who wouldn't shut the fuck up, was this old lady wearing black high heels with gray stockings, a pair of grey sweatpants and a black sheer blouse.  Her hair was in a funky bow and she had bags under her eyes as big as the BMW bag that the pregnant lady just got for her "push present".  

I said "excuse me" and she went on about how she just got here from the shore after 3 hours.  I said "traffic?" and she said "no fog".  Then went on about how she will be waiting for at least 5 hours, her hair appointment is tomorrow, her car was a lease and she bought it, she was at the shore and it was really nice, blah blah blah.  She was all over the place.  I was actually expecting to see a Silver Alert flash on the News 12 screen with her picture on it.  It never happened. She wouldn't shut up.  And it wasn't like old lady sweet talking. I would have definitely enjoyed a nice talk with her.  This was equivalent to listening to Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber and that Barbie girl song, on repeat for 1 week straight.  It was terrible. 

So I did what, i believe, people used to do in situations like this.  I picked up a magazine and read.  But not just any magazine.  No. I read some Science Academy shit magazine about physics and wormholes and anything else that makes me dizzy when trying to understand it.  Apparently this is what BMW owners read.  The strange part is I was actually interested.  And she just continued to talk.  HOLY HELL.  I had to get up and walk away. 

Neck tattoo came back and sat in my seat and she was on him like white on rice.  She found a new therapist. I was off the hook. 

Finally Mario came to tell me that my car was done and that it would not cost me anything.  Music to my ears.  That was the highlight of my day.  I quickly grabbed my keys and took my fancy self out of there. 

Moral of the story:  Get a Honda.  They have a kick ass waiting room with normal looking people. 

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