My Pennsylvania Starbucks Experience

It's been awhile since my last Starbucks experience.  I knew it was only a matter of time until another one would surface.  I knew for sure this would happen. It was inevitable.  But i never thought this would happen while attending a training session for work this past week in King of Prussia, PA.  Oh boy. 

King of Prussia has 2 things:  Valley Forge and the country's largest mall*.  There's a * after "mall" for a reason.  This is because the Mall of America is technically the biggest mall in retail in the US BUT as per size the King of Prussia Mall takes the cake.  

How do i know this?  Well, it's because everyone talks about it.  It's like me telling people that i went to high school with Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance, or that Joe Pesci grew up in my town, or that Frank Vincent lives in my townhouse development, or Franki Valli and the 4 Seasons started in my town and is mentioned in the first 5 minutes of the Broadway show. You get my point.  Its all we have coming from such a small town.  So it only makes sense that the people of this shopping town would brag about their mall rather than the strength, hardships and endurance that good ol' George Washington and his boys experienced during their winter stay at Valley Forge (literally 5 minutes from the mall) during the Revolutionary War.  If it wasn't for the training and perseverance that they received here I would never be writing this blog as an American but as a bloody bloke. But anyways they have a big mall. So thanks GW!

Thanks Mr Washington!!

After a long day of training i decided to check out this mall that everyone speaks of being that it's across the street from where i am staying.  So, I walk across the street and enter this shopping mecca and immediately to my left is a Starbucks. Mmm.. after having a couple glasses of wine I can go for a coffee.  

I LOVE Starbucks.  I can be considered a Starbucks diva as i dont really drink anything but.  So I deal with hipsters all the time when walking into one of these places.  But this one was different. This was PA style hipsters. 

I didnt think it existed.  I thought the hipster movement was only in a 20 mile radius from Brooklyn.  Boy was I wrong. 

So, I enter and immediately see a man wearing a Starbucks visor sideways with a pink bowtie sticking out from underneath his coffee apron as he spoke with a wildly gay tongue.  I use gay loosely and will play a larger role later in my story. He's the one that is making the coffee so i guess he is the barista? Not sure still of the phrasing of this job.  Regardless, he is super happy doing it as every hipster is. 

I get in line.  There are a few people in front of me.  It's then I start to hear a man using some strange words like Okey-Dokey and Howdy Doodly.  At first I thought i was listening to Ned Flanders from an episode of The Simpsons playing on the TV.  Then I looked at the cashier.  I said WTF softly out loud. I think the women in front of me heard me. 

There at the register was a man who looked something like this:

(First..and i dont do this much.. but i'd like to apologize for whoever this is that i posted BUT you were in the handlebar moustache forum club as was your picture so i assume its fair game!)

Now imagine this person with more orange hair and messy and wearing a Starbucks apron and hat where the brim is not straight or arched but just foolishly bent - resembling someone from the band Phish - and you have my Starbucks cashier. 

This guy LOVED his job and as each person approached the counter he would start out by  saying "Aaaaaaand how are you doing this evening.  What kind of beverage would enlighten you?"  

in which the person would respond with their order.  He would then repeat back their order in a smug-yet-super-happy-to-be-alive way and ask their name. 

The person would then give their name and he would then spell their name back, out loud and always wrong.  Like..

"aaaaaand your name madame...", says the hipster.

"Michelle", says the bewildered customer.

"M-I-C-H-E-L-L?", questions the i-already-know-the-answer Oasis band member.

"No M-I-C-H-E-L-L-E", responds the puzzled customer. 

"Ooooooohhhh my bad.  Sorry about that", as he threw the cup in the air like a wannabe juggler and his pen in the other hand and wrote down the name on the cup.  I stared at him as if he was a juggler at South Street Seaport in awe.  I didnt know what to make of him until it was my turn to order. 

"Aaaaaaaandd   what can make this evening even better", asks the handlebar, ginger (not that there is anything wrong with that), PA hipster.  

"I'd like a Tall Iced Coffee with no room", says me nervously, doing my best to order the best i can to a hipster Starbucks dude. 

"Tall Iced Coffee..ahhhh feeling a little HOT?", asks the 1920's wannabe bodybuilder without the muscles.

"Haha (fake laugh).   Yeah I guess.  Its a bit hot out", nervously responding to the i-own-the-world patron. 

In which i get a respond that I never ever in my life thought I would hear out of the metro NYC area:

"Well....hahahha, actually, its 71 degrees in this mall and 81 degrees outside.  No matter how much you walk in this mall you will not work up enough energy to be hotter than outside.  So, whether you get a hot or iced coffee, it doesn't matter." 

At this point I really didnt know what to say. I wanted to say:  "GO FUCK YOURSELF" and run out of their and back to my hotel, get in my car and drive home.  But...instead I said the following:

"Yeah.. hahaha (fake nervous-wanting-to-punch-in-the-face-VERY-hard laugh) I guess you are right. I'll have a regular hot coffee."

"So just to be sure amigo digo, you want an iced tall coffee?", says the clearly alpha male aka prick hipster.

"Umm.  Yes.  Thats exactly what i want", says me not even trying to argue with this sociopath. 

He then questioned me whether i wanted a hot or iced coffee.  It got confusing until I finally got enough balls to pretty much shout "Dude.. just give me an iced coffee!!!!!!!!!!!"

The hipster stepped back and immediately put a but-arent-we-best-friends look and said "Sorry man-dingo.  Thought you said hot."  and then asked me my name. 

I said, "Danny". 

Immediately, he responded with "Danny?  D-A-N-N-I?"

"Dude.. seriously what the FUCK is wrong with you!!  No.. its D-A-N-N-Y.  Do you fucking know how to spell????", is what I should have said.  Instead, I said, "No, it's D-A-N-N-Y'", beat red with embarrasment in the face. The lady giggled behind me.  I hope she was on my side. 

He then told me the price.  I gave him a $5 bill.  He then threw change up in the air expecting me to catch it which of course I didnt and gave me the dollar change he owed me.  As I picked up my scattered change from the counter, I said "Thanks" and quickly walked away to the "pick up area" as soon as possible. 

Just when I thought my hipster encounter was over, I had to deal with the gay hipster.   Ughhh.  

Gay hipsters dont give a rats ass if your straight, single, married, etc.  They're there for one thing and one thing only.. to humiliate the fuck out of you OR to try to have sex with you.  I have no clue. 

So the gay hipster says "Daannnnaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" looking at me directly in the eye.  He hands me over my drink and he immediately asks me if i'd like sugar and as i say no he asks me "You like it black huh?". 

I forgot to mention an important part of the story:  the gay hipster is black. 

I said "Yes. I like my coffee black" in which he snickered and told me that other things that are black are just as good.  That was my cue to run out of their as fast as possible.  And as I made my way out I can hear Howdy Doody in the background saying "Mike?  M-I-C?".  

Freaking hipsters.