My 26 Awesome Baby Tips

Having a baby requires a lot of work. It also conjures up the mind to think of the best google search terms imaginable to find answers to your infinite questions.  Well look no further.  I have the best tips you will ever need because, let's face it, I am a professional now after raising a 9.5 month old daughter {sarcasm intended}

My 26 AWESOME tips:

• Crying with your baby to teach them that crying is not cool.. is NOT cool.  It doesn't work. Trust me.  At least this is why I told myself why i was crying on those lonely nights. 
• I wrote the following in an earlier blog post:

FUCK that noise.  If your expecting a baby GET A 4 DOOR NOW!!!!  What the hell was I thinking.  My little Honda Civic was NOT intended for baby transportation.  EVER.

• Pole dancing classes may be cool and hip in this day in age but not for your daughter.  Never ever let her hear the word pole and dance combined. Your main job as a father of a daughter is to keep her away from the pole!!  And by pole, i dont mean a Polish man; even though we are pretty amazing peoples.  
•  Sticking your babies head in her poop diaper and saying NO is not the way to potty train.  Although we are not at the potty training step yet, i can almost guarantee that this not the way to do it. 
• Babies have some sort of special power that can sense when you are standing or sitting when holding them.  At 3AM when you are extremely tired and holding your baby trying to get it to sleep, you MUST stand.  Once you sit, they know and will cry.  At least ours did.  God bless you if yours doesn't have this sense. 
• Don't even bother spending money on little Ugg boots for your baby.  They fall off and NEVER stay on her.  Waste of money. Spend it instead on Tylenol for yourself on those rough nights. 
• Save money on toys.  A simple empty tissue box, a paper cup  or wrapping paper can entertain your little one for hours.  Of course her developmental skills may be a little off and she grow up to be a professional Macy's Christmas present wrapper but at least you were able to save some money. 
• When your baby starts to crawl you MUST sweep and/or vaccuum your floor more than 1 time a month.   This was a bummer for us.  You don't realize how dirty your floor actually is until your baby is about to eat a leftover string bean, whose soul has left, leaving it wilted and hard, ready to enter your baby's mouth!  At least she's getting her nutrients.
• If your baby is acting like a baby aka crazy, then put on Yo Gabba Gabba.  Something about this drug induced wierdarama show that puts babies in a daze.  I dont know if its the music or the dancing one eyed dildo but somehow it puts my daughter at ease.  There WILL be a future review blog about this show in the near future. 

• If you want your beautiful couch to stay beautiful then put plastic on that shit.  Our beautiful couch, Cindy - yes we named her Cindy, now has drool and snot marks all over it.  Yummy.  I'm totally starting to understand the reasoning behind the plastic. 

• When your baby is ready to eat solids be prepared to smell some wicked shit.  This is also the time when you can start blaming the baby for terrible farts that you've committed. 
• Everyone and their mother (no really their mother too) will buy your kid a stuffed animal making your home look like some creepy pedophile home.  Take these back and exchange them for much needed things like booze and burritos. 

• If your into fitness like me, the baby Bjorn is NOT meant to be used as a ruck (ruck = weighted backpack) for a 5 mile run. 
• Get your baby out of your room asap.  As much as I wanted to keep my daughter in our room in the beginning months, I just couldnt sleep with her excorcist noises that would come out of her mouth when she was a few weeks old.  So when she turned a month old we hired a young priest and an old priest and transported her to her crib in her room.  We were then able to get 2 hour intervals of real sleep. ahhhhh
• Make sure your wife is cool about her breast feeding apparatuses and procedures before making fun.  My wife has a great sense of humor, so my numerous blogs about how her beautiful milk induced breasts can end wars, didn't seem to bother her.  I HOPE!
• Take singing lessons.  You will be doing a lot of it.  You also may think that you can get a career in rapping as you are cleverly creating new rhymes about your beautiful baby.  You can't and you shouldn't.  
• No more relaxing breaks.  Remember those 25 minute "shits" where you'd relax on the toilet, update your facebook status, check out your news feed, play Candy Crush and Words with Friends and check out what's going on in the world via TMZ and People ;-)?  Well, those days are over.  If your alone with your baby, you gotta hold that shit in..literally and figuratively.  EDIT - i totally just took a 15 minute "break" while my daughter was taking her nap.  :-)
• Invest in batteries. Nothing worse than spending 25 minutes trying to open up the package for the toy that your baby is patiently waiting for only to have NO BATTERIES INCLUDED.  Boooo. 
• Your baby WILL sleep with it's but in the air.  Its dam near the cutest thing.  This is NOT a sign of scoliosis or spinabifa.  It's just the babies way of getting cozy.  

• Your baby doesn't understand football. So running around the house with her in your arms like she is a football is probably not a good thing.  Trust me on this. 
• Hand over that remote.  Your baby has another sense and its called "Remote Control Sense" or RECS as we say in the hood.  There is some magical pull, much like the death star, that pulls our baby to our remote.  Maybe its the rubber taste or the dirty finger smell but it can be across the room and she will somehow gravitate towards it.  Just when you think you are smart to get her a Fisher Price remote, think again!  Her RECS goes off and she ignores that impostor remote like she does the word NO.  Give in and just give her the remote.
• Where's the phone?  Much like the remote, babies also have the iPhone sense.  We've tried numerous imitation phones but she refuses to eat them. She just wants to eat our iPhones.  I am not sure if this works on Android devices though.  Perhaps, the Apple Gods installed secret frequencies that only babies can hear that make them want to eat your phone and destroy it, forcing you to buy a new one.   We are on to you Apple.
• Strap down your kid on the bed BEFORE you decide to make believe it's a trampoline.  They will go flying if you don't.  Not that I would know this... 
• Wear a cup! This is specifically for the guys, or the trans-gendered.  Basically, if you have testicles, they WILL get hurt when that baby is jumping up and down on your lap.  
• Put everything down before seeing your baby when you get home from work.  You've worked a LONG day and your tired. You have 63 things in your hand when you come into the door to see your little precious.  Your baby sees you and smiles but then suddenly looks at the 63 things you have in your hand and wants to play and eat everyone of them.  The 2 seconds of I-LOVE-YOU moment is now over as your little one is grabbing everything in reach that you are carrying.  Booooo. 

and last but not least... 

• Make love to your wife/husband as much as possible!  Make another little baby because it's just awesome.  Plus.. your having sex.. cant get any better than that!!!!!