Bad Parenting 101 - a Blog by Ava Bart

This is me fake sleeping

Sup yall.  This is Ava Bart.  I hacked into Dad's blogger and Facebook to give you an idea of how Mommy and Daddy are doing as parents.  I have to hurry because Dad is going to notice his MacBook missing and as far as they know I'm not supposed to be doing anything but laying, crying, and sleeping...


Just a little summary of what i have been going through for the last 6 weeks with my new "parents". 


This baby thing is awesome.  The parents totally think that because i am only 6 weeks old that i cant walk and talk.  Think again!  I'm blogging for christs sakes!  There is nothing better than getting pampered 24/7.  All you got to do is cry and they come running to your rescue. The best part is seeing what they try to do to get me to stop crying. I emailed a couple of my friends i met at the maternity ward and they
said the same thing.  Parents are sooo funny.  Like, for example, Daddy gave me this fantastic drink called Colic Calm.  I think he calls it Black Drank for some reason.  I think he blogged about it so i will give him a plug.. he is my Daddy ya know!   Anyways, this shit was the bomb!  It totally gave me a wicked buzz. I passed out for hours from it.   Its sooo much better than that other fake milk shit they've been giving me.  What is that crap anyway?  Tastes like the breast milk from a Barbie doll.. not that i would know what that would taste like ..wink wink..   So the Black Drank was awesome.  However, i don't want Daddy to think that he has control over me with this stuff so i have to fake the funk.  To do this, i pretend that it putS me to sleep.  Then when he puts me in my bed, I wait.  I wait about 30 minutes. This is just enough time that Daddy cleans up and gets into bed and hopefully falls asleep.  Then WAAAH WAHHH WAHHHH.. i cry loud to get his ass back up to come get me.  Its fucking hysterical!!!  He only gave me the Black Drank 2 times.  The last time i pulled that crying prank on him and he hasn't given to me since.  That shit tastes really good so maybe this weekend i will be really really really bad so he gives it to me!!  

Most of the time I am with Mom because Daddy has to work.  Mommy takes care of me alot during the night too. I am not sure what the hell Dad is doing nor how he got Mommy to take the night shift.  What a bum or a GENIUS..not sure yet.    So Mommy loves to talk to me in weird voices. I am not sure why.  She is constantly talking.  She doesn't shut up.  I dont care who you are talking to on the phone or I dont care what we are doing today or i dont care what package came in the mail for me.  It goes on and on.   All i want is peace and quiet so i can sleep.. UGH.  


Last night I had a lot of fun with Mommy.  I kept waking up every hour and cry really really loud so she will have to come in and get me. hahaha.. it was really funny.  I was getting nervous at first because it took her about 10 minutes to come in and get me. I almost cried myself back to sleep but then Mommy came running to my rescue.  I wasn't really hungry but when she gave me that fake milk shit i really didnt have a choice. Once it hits your lips..   I had to drink it.  Then of course it made me shit myself.  I waited for her to change my diaper and then i shit myself again.  Hahhaha.. Then i pissed all over her when she was cleaning me up.  I love being a baby!  So i kept Mommy up a lot last night. Maybe this will force Daddy to take over.  I pray so because this will be sooo much fun!  I love fucking with that guy!!

I dont want to play the A-V-A game

Did i tell you that Daddy likes to sing to me?  Oh wow. I am surprised he didn't "blog" about it.  What a dork.  He sings these really bad songs to me all the time. Sometimes I stop crying just so i can listen to what it is he is actually saying.  I think he thinks that his singing is working.  That is, until i start to cry again. You have to hear these songs. I'm gonna try to steal his iPhone when he is not looking and record what he says and post it on here.  Another stupid thing that Daddy does is he lays me on his legs so im facing him.  Then he picks up my arms and says A - V - A Rose while moving my arms in an A shape, then a V shape and then another A shape.  THIS ISNT THE YMCA DAD AND IM NOT A VILLAGE PERSON!!  He does this for like 5 minutes but feels like an eternity to me.  Little does he realize he is pulling my arms out of my socket every time. WTF!!   

Mommy also likes to sing but her singing is in the car.  Christ on a pony!!!!  I have to cry just so i dont have to hear her. It is sooooo bad. Like totally out of pitch and everything.  Simon Cowell would have a field day with her. I talked to my boy Jacob that i met at the hospital and he was saying his Mom does the same thing.  What is it with people!  Am I going to do this too??  I sure hope not.  I'll make sure i get singing lessons first.  Is Mommy's job to break windows and kill small animals with that voice because its working!  


Dad blogged recently about Jesus coming to our home.  Well, first off it is not Jesus..its a fucking lamb..excuse my language. I am tired of hearing "where's Jesus" or "get Jesus" or "do you have Jesus" every single time we go somewhere.  I will admit, the noises are very nice.  It totally reminds me of when i was chilling in Mommy's belly..the good ol days.  I can reminisce about that for hours but thats another blog (should i get the chance).  The noises are starting to drive me nuts though.  Its the same 4 noises. There is this 1 that scares the Black Drank out of me.  It sounds like a bunch of scary ghosts coming to get me. I don't like that one nor do I think Mom does because she gets mad when Dad plays it.  At least i have something in common with Mommy!  


The other night I took the biggest shit in my life. I wish i could have taken a picture!  Anyways, Mom had to clean it up because Dad was at work. I tried to wait for Dad to come home but i couldn't hold it in any longer.  It was EPIC.  He would have been proud.  Regardless, Mommy cleaned me up pretty good but kept cleaning my butt and now i have a rash.  Because of this she keeps putting this white junk on it which stings.  Now they wonder why i cry all the time.. sheesh


I'm learning that sleeping on your tummy is freaking AWESOME. It is sooo comfortable. However, Mommy and Daddy don't ever let me do this.  Instead i have to lay on their chest to do this.  Well this sucks. For one, Daddy is usually not wearing a shirt. He smells like Old Spice or something.  I dont like it.  And now my face is all up in it. Yuck.. but it is cozy and i wind up falling asleep. Even if i do smell like an old sailor.  Mommy's chest is comfortable.. sometimes too comfortable. She has big boobs and they are soooo cozy.  Mommy used to make me try to eat from them. It was really really really gross.  But thank god that is over.  Now i just use them as pillows.  Its almost as good as the Black Drank.  

This was me 5 weeks ago.. Dammm i was HOT!

They have been putting me in this swing thing to try to calm me.  This thing should be banned in 30 states.  Its a nightmare. They think it is putting me to sleep but instead it is knocking me out.  The swing moves at ridiculous speeds.  I cant help it but to close my eyes.  To top it off, it plays really bad jungles sounds. I feel like I'm being carried away by King Kong in the jungle at times.  I don't like it one bit.  Yet they continue to put me in this. I try to cry but its too late. The swing has been winning.  I will be sure to sneak out in the middle of the night and try to throw away the batteries.  I just need to find that screw driver that Daddy keeps hidden. 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD...MAKE IT STOP.. PLEASE!!!!

Oh and one last thing before i sneak away.. STOP dressing me in 16 layers. Its freaking HOT in the house and i am dressed to go skiing in the Alps.  I am a person just like you.  Please dress me in lighter clothing.  I cant even imagine what i will be wearing when it is cold outside.  Oh wait, Daddy is Polish. This means i will probably be wearing light clothing in the winter.. SIGGHHHHH

SERIOUSLY?  Its 80 degrees in this house!!!! 

Overall, Mommy and Daddy are a good time.  They will eventually learn my ways but i will only get smarter and wiser to stop them.  Muuhahahhahaha.  I will talk to you all soon. 


With love and kisses, 
Ava Bart 


Ps.. what kind of name is Bartosiewicz anyways. How the hell am i going to remember how to spell that!! 

I totally almost gave myself up. I am not supposed to be high fiving and smiling yet!!  Wheww.. i cried immediately after so they would forget about it. 

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