New Stuff

What a superbowl party is really like

on
This is what real life Superbowl party hosting is like. Tay Tay banter included..  First you prep for the big event by spending hundreds of dollars on food that only half will be eaten. You know this going in yet still tell yourself that the more food the better. This is for 20 people Just prior to the Kickoff , words of Taylor Swift already begin. Kids continue to ask if Taylor will be performing.  Some of the adults will be yelling because they lost the “will she show up for the Superbowl or not” bet. Kickoff starts and you realize that someone named blah blah has already won the Bonus 0-0 payout in your Superbowl box pool that you dropped a hundred on. You say hmmmm and already start having conspiracy theories as its someone who is related to the person running the pool.  End of the 1 st draws near . Its only been an hour since the company has arrived and already the food that was beautifully prepared...
0

Jesus has returned and is living in our home...

on
Yes folks.. Jesus has returned and is now living in our home in disguise.  It happened 3 nights ago.  The skies opened.  There was some thunder.  Do you remember?  And apparently an eclipse.  Sometime during this period, Jesus came down from the heavenly skies and made his way into our home. 


It started early this week.  For 3 nights, our baby has been "fussy". It starts at 10PM..almost on the dot.  For those who read my prior blogs, 3 Peat and Hiccups = Devil's Whisper, (if you didn't then please read them now.. i promise they are funny), then you will know that our little precious Ava becomes Satan during this time.  For about 3 hours our little Ava is possessed by the unholiest of ghosts.  Her head spins and i believe she grunts out "I HATE YOU" in her little strange noises that come out of her mouth and butt.  During "Satan time" we have been shit on, peed on and spit up on.  I believe our little Ava has been speaking redrum talk under her breath mumbling bad words during her possession.  







Somehow, the last 2 nights have been miraculous though.  Something happened.  I believe that it was Jesus coming to fight Satan for us but my wife simply thinks i am crazy.  The Divine has taken the shape of a small creature that speaks aquatic noises to our little one.  The aquatic noises, i believe, contain subliminal messages in Aramaic (jesus language) that are saying "leave the child.  leave now and never return".  This creature has become our new best friend and has come with us everywhere.  We refer to this creature now as Jesus and have started to pray to it. 




News reporters will jump on this exclusive but Dannybart.com has it first.  People, i give you the first picture of the reincarnated Jesus.  Please brace yourself..




...
...
...


I give you... 




JESUS




Yes folks.  Jesus has taken the shape of a Lamb, a stuffed Lamb, as expected, known as a Sleep Sheep.  Jesus plays 4 different sounds that each contain some kind of subliminal message that "soothes" the devil out of Ava and into a nice sleep.  He also, conveniently, has a velcro strap that allows him to hang on objects next to our precious to fight off those evil spirits.  One would think that Jesus would require DD batteries but no no.  Jesus takes AA batteries.  Go figure!!  


Jesus is played, at this point, a few hours a day.  There are times when Jesus soothes my wife and i to sleep, as well.  So perhaps, Jesus will stay with us for longer even when little Ava doesn't need the soothing anymore.  Our precious "bundle of joy" gets christened in a couple months but i believe she already has been christened.. by the Sleep Sheep.  Amen.


Jesus has been a part of our lives now for 3 days.  I will be selfish and say that I hope Jesus stays with us for at least a couple more weeks.  Please Jesus.  Dont leave us!!!


Jesus can be purchased conveniently here but what you will receive is a replica of Jesus as he is already busy at our house.  Good luck!


It's only fitting
Please spread the love by simply "liking" this post below.  Thanks!  Or if you dont like it still please like it anyways. 

Comments

Post a Comment