The Breast Situation

The Breast Situation

I can get VERY personal here but for marriage and personal safety i will not. I will simply say that my wife is "attempting" breast feeding and so far it has been very very interesting.  To start, immediately getting in our new room a couple hours after her surgery in the hospital, we had several nurses attacking Rose's watermelons.  I say this in a pleasant way because they are monstrous.. like porn star good.  Any other day i would be excited to see nurses grabbing and squeezing my wife's breasts but I dont know.  I think seeing the baby being born.. the blood.. the placenta and many other things sort of made me a little grown up. Ok.. i wont lie.. i got a little "movement" in the first few minutes of seeing 3 woman in action on my wife's breast but once the baby's head went near it things went south if you know what i mean..wink wink.  
There were sooo many interesting moments where Rose's breasts were the talk of town.  Every nurse who came in seem to take action to them. At times, i thought Rose gave birth to her breasts as they got more attention than our little Ava.  I think I am going on too long about this.  I will stop now before i get in trouble... 

Ok.. i have to keep going.. Perhaps NOW my wife will whip those suckers out with no worries if we goto a topless beach.. just saying.. ok im done..

No I'm not.  Perhaps they will continue to stay the same size and fullness when Rose is done breast feeding!?? We shall see!

Ok im really done.. 

SIKE!

As the picture implies above, we were thinking of giving Ava some cookies with that milk but i'm not sure thats DR recommended as of yet.  Of course we weren't gonna give her cookies.. whats wrong with you people!  The good thing about the breast feeding is that we always have extra milk in the house.. for protein shakes, cereal, coffee..etc.  We are gonna save a fortune.  See..already this baby is saving us money!! 

I wont lie if i were to say that i wasn't just a wee bit jealous of the bonding experience rose gets with the baby with breast feeding.  Therefore, i have created my very own Focker-Bart man breast pump apparatus.  Livefromthefactoryfloor.com and dannybart.com will have the exclusive very soon.

Now these man boobs are perfect for feeding!

You know you love someone dearly when you are all up in your wife's boobs pushing them into your daughter's mouth.. sexy.  And speaking of sexy.. i find it rather rude and offensive when the nurses and Drs talk about my daughter's suck reflex!!  I'm not going to lie, I almost giggled out loud every time i heard someone say Suck and Swallow in the hospital.  Yes.. i am still a child!  But for grown up reasons i had to stay mature and keep a straight face.  We were constantly told that if you put things next to the baby's mouth then her suck reflex will take over and she will try to put it in her mouth. I DONT LIKE THIS ONE BIT!!!!

As if this wasn't enough, for swollen boobies, you need to get that milk out.  And i dont mean like just shooting it out across the room for shits and giggles.  I mean you need to pump that woman juice out.  Otherwise its extremely painful.  So to do this you have to "pump".  This entails Daddy aka ME going to Babies R Us last night, just hours after getting home from the hospital, and asking some poor young girl where to find breast pumps.  The young girl yelled MOMMMY and ran away from me.  A woman then came to me and asked if i needed help.  I said "yes, i would like to get the following" as i took out my list that my wife made.  I told her the make and model of what i needed with a red face.  I then asked for breast wipes and some other shit that i would have never pictured myself asking another woman in my life.  Within minutes, i got what i needed and i was on my way.  Like a proud father/husband I arrived home with my wife's new sucking machine and a Starbucks coffee (a reward for the new mommy).  Side note - i got 0 sleep last night.. and it wasnt the baby.  It was that fucking Starbucks coffee!!  

Rose attached her new best friend to her heavenly milk duds and began pumping away. I really really wish i can take pictures of it, but again, i have a marriage to protect.  It was like 2 lamp shades moving in unison. The machine makes a pumping noise which i swear sounds like it is saying "Breast Milk, Breast Milk, Breast Milk, Breast Milk". I will have much better material with time.. trust me. 




For other funny posts read my Trials and Tribulations of a New Father (previously known as Trials and Tribulations of a Soon-to-be Father).