My experience at my wife's very first INTERNAL ultrasound!!!

"I'm pregnant".  These 2 simple words put together can mean many different things to many different people.  I, for one, was estatic.  Wait, estatic?  Ok, maybe that is not the correct word.  Surprised?  Yes. Excited?  Yes.  Scared shit? Yes.  It wasnt like we were planning it, as we drove the "we-are-not-being-careful" car for awhile.  What was i to think?  Eventually one of my little space cadets would find its way "home".  So hearing these 2 simple words for the first time being directed at me was a shock.  Immediately, in my head I heard tiny little Danny Barts saying "Will i be a good father?", "Do we have enough room in this house?", "How will this change us?", "Will this child be bad ass like me?", "Did I leave the iron on?".  Ok, that last one was not going on in my head.  At least not at that moment.  I hugged my crying wife, still shocked and made my way upstairs to find; not 1, not 2, but 3 pregnancy tests waiting for me on the sink counter.  Seeing "Pregnant" - because why would my wife go for the cheaper kind that just shows a "+" or "-" - made it all seem so real!  My head spun around a few times and the next thing you know i woke up in the emergency room.  Again, that last part didnt happen.  I did, however, think at that moment all the fun this kid is going to have with Rose and I; all the love we will give it and all the fun times he/she will have with us.  Just like that, in a quick second, I became a father!  

The first OBGYN appointment - Dim the lights...


When you are a boy your parents teach you things like how to ride a bike, how to get to second base with a chick, how to cheat at poker, how to rob Walgreens, how to be class clown and, of course, how to be annoying to anybody you know by posting stupid things on facebook and create annoying blogs.  But the one thing they dont teach you is, how to prepare for your first OBGYN appointment. 

As a male, this is something that i should have learned when i was in grade school.  I'm not sure how i would prepare for this. Maybe i would read some papers, watch some videos or even study the women's anatomy a little better.  I did not do any of this and, as a result, my experience was probably the same as every male in this position; feeling completely vulnerable as a stranger examins and fondles your wife's vagina in front of you. 

The ride to the doctors is strange. We are both a little nervous.  We know that there is a possibility that Rose can be pregant, evidentally, by the 6 pregnancy tests that she took that all came back positive.  However, those tests are only 99.9999% accurate. I'm just stating facts folks.  

We arrive at the doctor's office. Up until this point, I thought of him as a gynecologist because i am a male and we dont know any better. However, his correct title is now OBGYN which stands for Obstetrics and gynecology. No wonder why they simply shorten it to just OBGYN.  What the FUCK does all that even mean!?  Cant they just call it a Vagina Doctor or a Baby Doctor?!! 

Anyways, we get in and she fills some paperwork out. I am shaking a little and hoping it is unnoticeable as my wife sits next to me so excited.  I look around the waiting room and see 72 certificates on the wall.  Is this to ensure that he is a good doctor?    There are pictures of babies on the wall and your typical mother-child.  Immediately i think "where the hell are the father-child pictures".  This is my first realization that it is no longer about me anymore in this life.  (A future blog is in the works)

We get called into the room.  The nurse and Rose greet each other, as Rose has been going there for some time now.  I say hello as I am on full alert like a Lion watching over his precious cub.  I know whats to come and am in no way ready for it.  I think I am but OMG i am not!

The nurse shuts the door and leaves Rose and I alone.  Immediately she takes off her pants. I'm like "Here?  What are you on drugs??"  She laughs and says "No silly.  I have to change into this" as she shows me what looks like a dress from the dollar store.  "Easy access huh" is what is going through my mind.  As she is standing there naked, immediately i have to think of a happy place and begin to think of puppy dogs and ice cream.  The last thing i need is the doctor to walk in and i have complete wood in my pants!   

She puts on her "dress" and a minute or so we hear a knock.  In walks this tall glass of water, who is strikingly handsome, mimicking swag like Enrique Ingesias as he makes his entrance.  This is all in my head. The truth is, this guy looks like something out of Jack Torrence's mind in the Shining.  He is not a threat whatsoever. However, at this moment, in my mind he looks like Enrique; so i will continue to call him Enrique.  So, Enrique walks in and smiles at me.  He extends his hand and I think "what vagina did that hand just come out of" just as i start to shake it. It was warm and made me uneasy.  

Rose and Enrique get right to it. Enrique says Congratulations to the both of us. He is extremely happy for us and he knows that things will go perfect.  Something like this was being said but all my brain was able to hear was something that resembled grown ups from Peanuts..  waahh wahhh maah waah.  He tells Rose to sit on the chair/table (i mention this in my prior blog "My Recent Dr Visit") and to lay on her back.  My throat begins to close just as he tells her to spread her legs.  

The next series of events felt like a lifetime but i believe it was only a few minutes.  I sat in horror and watched the Dr aka Enrique extend my wife's legs and look at her vagina.  He then took out what looked like a 17inch dildo and began to insert it into my wife's most treasured areas.  Just as he does this he begins small talk with Rose.  Yes, small talk.  He asks her how work is going and if they are doing anymore cuts in her department.  Side note - my wife works at a hospital hence the questioning.  Rose and Enrique have a short conversation about her job as he is fondling her with a 17inch dildo all right in front of me. 

I'm sitting, literally 3 feet away, from a doctor performing "operation" on my wife's vagina. It may have been one of my most uncomfortable moments in my life.  

I learned 2 things from this experience:

1. I can never ever ever ever participate in a 3-some
2. If i ever decide to insert a 17inch dildo in my wife's vagina, then talking about work is the best way to distract her. 

BUT..something happend and it was magical.  No, it was not Enrique going backwards in the bases from 3rd and then back again for a homerun in front of me, but that little monitor that was next to him the entire time began to show something.  It was small but it was something.  The Enrique vision suddenly vanished and was replaced with the Dr.  He began to show us some stuff on the screen.  Like 2 peas in a pod, my wife's hand met mine as if we were speaking to each other internally.  There we saw our little speck on the screen.  

The Speck

The doctor showed us the monitor and explained what we were looking at.  Rose was tearing and i was just looking.  I will admit now.. i had no fucking clue what the hell i was looking at.  I had this scene in my brain for a long time that i would be crying at this moment but I hadnt a clue what i was looking at.  There in front of us was our little baby girl but to me all it looked like was a tiny circle inside a giant bean.  As the Dr moved the giant dildo around in my wife's vagina, yes he was still in there, we saw different views of the circle in the giant bean.  It was a beautiful moment, i will say that, however i think i was expecting a full sized human or something. haha.  Regardless, that little "speck" did something to me more than what was already done to me when i read the words "pregnant" on the 23 pregnancy tests my wife brought. It made me realize that this shit is real and we are going to be parents. It was a very very nice moment.  One that i will remember for the rest of my life. Actually, Enrique fondling my wife will also always be in my mind, as well.  

"Trials and Tribulations of a New Father" will be arriving shortly to my blog. And like always.. please share the love and get my blogs out there:  

 dannybart.blogspot.com and dannybarttv.blogspot.com