The Movie Theater Experience

Last night my wife and i got the opportunity to see The Hunger Games. It was a fantastic movie.  But this is not a Hunger Games review.  No.  Instead, this is a review, or a vent i should say, on the movie theater experience in general and how people suck. 


Let me start by saying that i am a HUGE movie buff. I worked at a video store, West Coast Video, for many years when i was younger.  I actually met my wife there..but thats a later blog.  Working at the store i had access to thousands and thousands of movies.  I fell in love with the simplicity of being able to step away from your life for 2 hours and entering a completely new world offered in front of you on the big screen.  I enjoy watching a movie in the theatres and i hope that it will forever be this way.  However, bad things seem to come along with good things and this is some of them. 

FOOD

Food should be prohibited from the theatres.  What is it with human beings needing to eat when they watch a movie. I dont understand it. The average movie is 1.5 hours long.  Do you seriously need to eat something within this time frame.  I cant help but nod my head in frustration when i see a man carrying 7 boxes of popcorn, 3 boxes of candy, 2 sodas that can fill a 2 liter bottle, a slurpie and bon bons back to his wife.  Seriously?  

Now comes the candy wrappers.  Let me paint the picture for you.  You get your tickets and get a great seat. You play with your phone as you wait for the previews to start. You dont realize how crowded the theatre has gotten, nor all the food that everyone is eating. It's loud and this is ok because the movie or previews has not started yet.  Then comes the previews and the lights dim. You put your phone away and you sit back and your chair and relax.  Suddenly, you hear the song of 150 people at once chomping on their food.  You can actually hear the people chewing on their popcorn during silences in the preview.  Then comes the candy.  As if the maestro raised his hand, the people rhythmically begin to open their plastic wrapped candy boxes at the same time.  Now, for me, this is a simple process.  You look down and see where the opening is. You pull the wrapper and simply open the box. But for some reason, other human beings apparently are idiots.  Nobody knows how to open a fucking box of milk duds. So while i am trying to enjoy what movies will be coming out this summer, i have to hear Mo Ron behind me trying to open his Snow Caps for 15 minutes.  I must draw the short straw cause I seem to always have Asshole behind me, who hasn't eaten in 5 days, who has brought enough food to feed a family for a week and spent over 100 dollars on it in the process.  Now this would be OK if this was ONLY during the previews; but it's not.  Its the entire fucking movie.  Just when you think someone is done, like a rabbit out of a hat, they pull out another surprise to nibble on.  So the entire movie i hear, "crinkle crinkle crinkle, chew chew chew chew, crinkle crinkle crinkle, sip sip sip sip, chew chew chew, crinkle crinkle crinkle" (repeat for 1 hour).

Movie time!

CELL PHONES

It's 2012.  Not 1999.  Human beings should know at this point how to use their phones.  I know, technology has changed. The smart phones today are smarter than us.  But to put a phone on vibrate or turn it off is not a challenge! It's a simple process.  You hold down that little power button until the phone turns off.  That's it.  How hard was that!  Wait wait.. the iPhone requires you to swipe the little bar across to power off.. STOP THE PRESS.. this is too hard apparently.   It seems every single human being on the planet need to talk to someone every 3 minutes of their lives.  Therefore, turning a phone off would be impossible in this case.  Because of this, at least 10 times in a movie you will hear a cell phone go off or a text message indicator.  Seriously people!

Now comes the glow.  I think i'd rather hear a cell phone ringing during a movie then seeing the "glow".  This is when you are watching a movie and in front of you somebody flips open their phone or turns it on.  This person doesnt realize that he just basically turned on a light in the movie theatre. Nor does this person realize that every single person behind him can see this annoying light while trying to watch the movie.  Perhaps, this is only me frustrated by this as i think my wife and i are the only people in the theatre who do not do this!  Sometimes, i feel like i am at a concert with everyone playing on their phones, illuminating the darkness with their electronic lighters. Do they know they are doing this?  Do they care?  I really dont have an answer to this.

THE CRY

We've all experienced it.  Just as the killer is about to be revealed you hear "WAAAAAH WAAAAAH WAAAAAH" coming from 5 rows behind you.  You think to yourself, was that a baby, just as the killer is revealed, not realizing that you missed the most important part of the movie.  Just like that, your movie experience is ruined as the baby is continuing to cry and nobody is doing anything about it.  

There are so many things wrong with this picture.  For one, leave your baby home.  If you cant get a babysitter, then stay the fuck home.  Why would you bring a baby to a movie. It makes no sense whatsoever.  People wonder why kids are so messed up these days.  Well, its because your taking a 3yr old to see Kill Bill!

THE "EXCUSE ME" PERSON

We've all had this.  You sit down and get cozy.  Then you notice, 1 by 1, each person standing up as if it is a wave at a baseball game.  As the wave gets closer, you see the 250lb woman attempting to get by, knocking over everyone's 17 boxes of popcorns that they just bought prior.  You let her pass and you sit down getting cozy again and forgetting that she has to come back sometime.  She does. You get up again, starting a new wave, but this time in the opposite direction.  You sit down and enjoy the movie while listening to people eat their food, and open their wrappers, and play with their phones.  Suddenly, 15 minutes later a new wave starts.  Again, you think, as you stand up and let the 250lb woman pass.  You sit down and now all you are thinking is this woman is going to pass again to come back to her seat.  So you sort of watch the movie but are getting ready to stand up again.  Then she comes back.  You stand before she even gets there and let her pass.  Less than an hour later she is back.  You are pissed.  Especially remembering that this slob is the same woman who had 2 - 85 oz Cokes in her hand before the movie started.  Nice job fatty!

IS THIS SEAT TAKEN?

Seats Taken!

The movie starts at 8PM.  My wife and i like to get their early.  We dont go for good seats because we usually choose the outer seats so it's easy access if one of us has to use the bathroom. We go just to be there before the movie to relax and not rush.  We sit patiently and play with our phones, because why would we talk to each other anymore.  Then it happens.  "Is this seat taken", says the women with her arms full of food trying to point at the 2 seats next to us.  Yes, i believe it is, i say as i assume by the jackets that are holding the spot.  This trend continues for a few more minutes until the owner of those claimed seats comes back holding 17lbs of food in their hands.   My wife then has to pee.  She gets up and walks away.  Like a hawk, the muscle bound guido comes charging up hte stairs to me and says in a Jersey Shorish way "Is this seat taken?"  I say yes.  He says nothing to me and walks away.  Then 1 minute later another person asks. Then another. Then another.  Are these people stupid??  Didn't they just hear me say it to the person prior? 

TARDINESS

The movie starts at 8PM.  Half the theater decides to show at 8:10PM.  They should shut the doors at 8 and not let you in like they do for Broadway shows.  To top it off, you have the ushers coming in shining their lights looking for seats for the tardy fuckers while you are trying to watch the movie that you were on time for.  The best is when you are cozy in your seat for 30 minutes and then the usher asks if you can move 1 seat down so a couple can sit in your row 15 minutes after the movie started.  What the shit is this?? Get to the muthafucking movies on time!!

THE COMEDIAN

There is always the comedian in the theatre. This is the guy who usually shouts something "funny" during a quiet intense scene.  This is usually done in horror movies, however, i have seen it done in other genres as well.  One might think that this annoying person would be me. No.  I appreciate and respect the movie theatre experience too much and, to be honest, cant think of quick enough material to pull this off.  On many occassions, the comedian is tolerable making 1 actually funny joke and getting a good response from the "audience".  But sometimes, this person goes too far.  He gets 1 laugh and the next thing you know he thinks he is Seinfeld on stage saying stupid things over the movie.  Booooo.

THE QUESTIONER

You know the questioner.  The person behind you, usually a woman, who asks her boyfriend or girlfriend questions about the movie.  My wife and i somehow always get stuck sitting in front of this person.  They usually ask the most rediculous questions and, for some reason, forget how to whisper, allowing everyone in a 10 foot radius to hear their inane questions.  The worst part is, the person she is asking actually answers her.  Instead of ignoring her, they usually answer the question in the same tone as the person asking.  So it basically becomes a conversation in your ear while you are trying to watch the movie.  Sighhhhhh

THE SMALL SCREEN

You go the movies to see a movie that has been out in theatres for 3 weeks.  It was a big movie and made a lot of money its first couple weekends, but since then, other big movies have come out stealing the rug underneath it.  To avoid annoying people, you decide to wait to see the movie.  You pay your 12 bucks and make your way to the theatre. You notice your walking really far away from the other big name movies.  You make your way to your theatre and walk in to what looks like my mancave aka Bart Cave.  The screen appears to be just a little bigger than my tv at home and the theatre can fit maybe 50 people.  Of course, the theatre gets packed. So now you have payed 12 dollars to see a movie on a screen that is the size of your TV at home and have an even worse expericence because there is less room in the theatre allowing others around you to be noisier. Boooo the theatres.  

MY REBUTTAL

The movies are a place for big stars to shine; not your neighbors phone or the comedian in the front row.  As much as i hate all this, it really is all part of the experience.  Again, i still enjoy going to the movies and i look forward to being that guy carrying 18lbs of food for my 3yr old daughter, while looking for a seat 20 minutes after it started to see Hostel pt 4.  Good times! 

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